Thursday, May 31, 2012

Special vs retarded

Today on Focus on the Family I heard the story of Joe and Cindi Ferrini. Their first son was born retarded. That is a terrible tragedy and we should all pray for or at least feel great sympathy for people caught up in such a situation. And it is a miracle how God can take such awful things in life and brings wonderful things out of them. Of course they also had two more children despite the high risk of that tragedy happening again. As I discussed in my first blog post doing irresponsible things because 'God will provide' isn't faith its irresponsibility, and worse it's presuming on God. In fact in the Bible in Matthew chapter 4 verse 5-7 it says this

5Then the devil took him to the holy city and had him stand on the highest point of the temple. 6 “If you are the Son of God,” he said, “throw yourself down. For it is written:
“‘He will command his angels concerning you,
and they will lift you up in their hands,
so that you will not strike your foot against a stone.’ 
 7 Jesus answered him, “It is also written: ‘Do not put the Lord your God to the test.’

See how Christ doesn't knowingly put himself is a bad situation presuming on God to clean up his irresponsibility?

OK enough theology (I know a lot of you don't give a fuck) let's move on to a broader cultural issue this radio show got me thinking of and that's when did 'retarded' become 'special'? Oh and by the way if you take issue with me saying retarded feel free to kiss my dick. It's a proper fucking term. It means slow. To retard something is to slow it. I am not going to stop using a proper term because it makes some people's pussies hurt. But retarded is not the same thing as special. Well I suppose it's special in that it isn't normal, but the word special has a positive connotation. Calling a retarded person special is like saying your glad they're retarded. And what kind of fucked up thing is that to say? You wouldn't you go up to someone in a wheel chair and say "I'm glad your legs don't work" would you? Of course you fucking wouldn't.

Men and women who do amazing things or have amazing gifts are special. People who spend their entire life at the mental level of a 4 year old are retarded. How fucking much have we decayed as a culture that we can't or won't tell the difference?

Wednesday, May 30, 2012

Review of the week: Incredible Hulk #8

I hate the Image comics boys so much. That gang of seven assholes who founded the company that almost destroyed the comic book industry. Sure they're good artists, except for Liefeld, but they suck at EVERYTHING else. Character design, writing, and above all keeping on schedule and finishing what they start. So when I heard Marc Silvestri was gonna be the artist on Hulk I figured it would either be plagued with lateness or he would only last a few issues. He lasted three. Since then, while the writing has been great this book as suffered in the art department. We'll get to that in a moment but first lets take a look at the writing end.

This issue starts with Hulk suddenly finding himself in Mexico among a gang of dog men. These guys have sharp teeth and dog collars on and they bark and growl. Hulk figures out that he must stay angry or turn back into the now criminally insane Banner. Searching for answers Hulk discovers that the Punisher was also at odds with this group. They team up in search of the leader of this gang, a humanoid dog man creature. Hulk eventually stumbles onto a trap set by Banner to gas him and turn him back into Banner. Next thing Hulk knows he's in Atlantis and has just had surgery preformed on him at Banners request.

I'm enjoying where Aaron is going, I have been since issue one. Hulk is a concept that can easily get stale with the wrong writer and Aaron is going in new and interesting directions while still feeling like its a very logical progression of the Hulk mythos. But Steve Dillion's art just does not work for the Hulk. He draws Hulk so small, he looks like just a ripped dude not the Hulk. Hulk should look inhumanly muscular. Dillion works great with street level guys like Punisher and Daredevil but just not for the Hulk.

All and all I liked this issue and have high hopes for this story arch. If this book can just get a solid regular artist it will be one of Marvel's best.

Tuesday, May 29, 2012

What Mitt Romney SHOULD say.

Nobody is ever going to accuse me of being a Romney fan. I'm a Ron Paul man. With any other candidate out there we get more war, more spending, more big brother and eventual collapse. So in a contest between Romney and Obama I don't really have a dog in that fight. I suppose Romney is a little bit more harmless then Obama, but only by a tiny bit, or as my grandfather would say, a gnat's ass.

But I can't let all the bullshit class warfare by the Democrats go unanswered. Right now the left has their collective panties in a knot over Mitt's car elevator. You would think the man took a piss into a homeless guy's begging cup. Mitt Romney bought an expensive product with his own money, thus providing further employment to the people who make, sell, and install said product. That son of a bitch.

And the worst part is that Mitt actually goes along with this class warfare bullshit. Every fucking time I see him now he's apologizing for being rich and pretending like he gives a shit about NASCAR and wrestling and other stuff poor people love. So if the Romney campaign were to ask me for advise (which is an admittedly unlikely scenario) I would tell them that Mitt should hold a press conference, say the following and then take no questions and walk off the stage. Bonus points if you smoke a cigar while you do that. Oh wait your a Mormon I don't think your crazy religion lets you do that. Well at least dress like a pimp or something. OK I'm getting sidetracked. Here's what you should say Mitt:

Alright people listen up. I'm rich as fuck. Yeah you heard me. And I'm tired of acting like I should feel bad about it. I earned my money so kiss my white bread ass. Yeah I know my Dad was rich and gave me opportunities not everybody had, but I could have been a spoiled trust fund douche bag and squandered those opportunities. I didn't. I made the most of what I was given and now I sleep on a pile of money. Yeah maybe I had more opportunities then you and that's not fair. So what? Life's not fucking fair. You were born in America when someone else was born in fucking Africa or Bangladesh or some other shit hole. Maybe instead of crying like a little girl with a skinned knee you should be busy making the most of what you have. So in conclusion if you don't like me, feel free to suck my Mormon dick.

You say that Mitt and you got my vote.

Monday, May 28, 2012

Villain Spotlight: The Jackal


Never obsess over a woman. Just don't. There are well over three billion bitches on this planet. It just ain't worth it. Case in point: Professor Miles Warren mastered the science of cloning human beings and even imprinting the memories of the original, or sometimes just made up memories, onto the clone because he really really wanted to fuck one of his students. Wouldn't investing in a bottle of chloroform and a van be cheaper and easier? Well normally yes but sadly this particular student was Gwen Stacy, Peter Parker AKA Spider-man's first major girlfriend who had recently been murdered by the Green Goblin. So Miles decided he had to clone her. As a result of this things got a little out of hand. Actually they spiraled completely fucking out of control. 

Yeah it starts with cloning the girl, next thing you know your cloning her super hero boyfriend in an attempt to fuck with him. Then you end up cloning him again, only this one's all fucked up, then you clone him again and that one has shape changing powers for some reason, then you clone him like 100 more times.  Also you end up fucking with the New Warriors and the Punisher and your not even sure why. Oh and at one point you cloned yourself and your not even sure if your the original anymore. Like I said things just get out of hand.

So let this be a lesson for you, you gotta just move on. 

Sunday, May 27, 2012

Retro review: Extreme Justice #0

Ah the 90's. When everything had to be EXTREME! If a gun is cool then then a super giant big ass gun  must be super fucking mega cool. If Iron Man is cool then War Machine must be cooler, if Venom is cool then Carnage must be even more badass. If something worked then we were gonna stretch it out till it fucking snapped. So if Justice League worked why not an EXTREME team?

Now before we get into the meat of the issue, there's something I have to address. Isn't justice by definition balanced? It's about setting right what's wrong, paying what is due. One of the most common symbols for justice is a scale. So if justice is by definition balanced how can it be extreme? Isn't 'extreme justice' really just like vengeance?

This issue starts out on a military base where Colonel West has apparently lost his mind and has taken the whole damn base over. He is convinced the cold war isn't really over and that Russia is still our enemy and he needs to send nukes over there. So out EXTREME team show up to stop him, fighting the big robots the Colonel has working for him for reasons yet unclear. They stop him and save the day. Apparently they have broken off from the regular Justice League, or Wonder Woman's bunch as Captain Atom calls them. So because they needed a new head quarters they head to an abandoned military bunker that turns out to be inhabited by the same robots the Colonel had. After defeating the robots the bunker is then attacked by Peacekeepers. End of issue.

Also at some point we cut to a guy named Ron Raymond being diagnosed with cancer. Raymond is Firestorm in case you didn't know. I had to google it. And that bit sort of sums up the major problem with this issue. It's a zero issue so its suppose to be a jumping on point isn't it? But no introduction is given to the characters in the line up, and then we cut to a B list character in his civilian ID being diagnosed with cancer and the reader is not told who he is or why we should care. Some jumping on point.

That being said it wasn't a bad issue. The art and writing are solid enough. You just might want to have your DC Encyclopedia handy when you read it. I freely admit I might be giving it too much credit, I'm a big fan of Blue Beetle and have a soft spot for the other Charlton Comics guys like Captain Atom so that might have made me a little biased. But if you find this in a dollar bin (which is probably exactly where you'll find it) it's worth getting.

Saturday, May 26, 2012

Villain spotlight: Doppelganger Spider-man

During Infinity War the cosmic villain Magus created evil duplicates of Earth's super heroes because he wanted to fuck with them. Or maybe was he trying to take over the universe. Nah, I'm pretty sure he was just being an asshole. Most were destroyed or killed during Infinity War, but Spider-man's doppelganger was brought back to life by Demogoblin to be his pet. At some point Doppelganger wandered off from Demogoblin (this is why we have leash laws people) and ended up being the pet of Carnage's girlfriend Shriek. Then Carnage killed Doppelganger because Carnage tends to do that. Doppelganger has recently appeared in a Carnage mini only to be immediately killed off again. No explanation was given for his resurrection.

I love Doppelganger. Yeah I know he has all the personality of a rabid dog and was in some pretty shitty stories. But look at him. That is a fucking amazing character design. He has segmented eyes, a big crazy symbiot character type mouth, he has big ass claws, eight limbs and he shoots barbed webbing. He's like Spider-man if he was designed by Clive Barker. In the 90's everything in comics was trying way too hard to look "EXTREME" and "SUPER BADASS AND KEWL" but Doppelganger actually did look badass. He looked fucking horrifying. Especially with the right artist. I remember one artist (although I don't remember who or what issue) made the webbing pattern on his look sort of like scales. It's almost upsetting they wasted such an beautifully twisted character design on something that just growled and tried to bite your face off. But when you look like that what else are you going to do? If only they would make a Marvel Legends toy of him.

Retro Review: Daredevil #297

I'm a huge Daredevil fan. Spider-man might be the 'every man' but I personally find Daredevil more relatable. His, shall we say complicated relationship both with his faith and the women in his life are very compelling. But he doesn't have a very good rouges gallery. For the most part he seems to just get the street level guys who aren't cool enough to fight Spider-man.

One of his better villains however is the slutty murderous multi-personality Typhoid Mary. Her and DD had a thing going in the past, in a sort of twisted Batman/Catwoman type way. In this issue Daredevil has had enough of the Kingpin's shit and decides to take him down. First he must go through his personal body guard and enforcer Typhoid. And how does our hero defeat her?

With his cock.

Yes Daredevil pounces on Typhoid on a roof top they end up making out, and we cut to her in his bed, sound asleep and in her good docile 'Mary' personality. That's right, Daredevil fucked her into submission. And once he had her asleep in her good personality what did he do? He dropped her off at the nuthouse. Fucking gansta.

Let me say this again, he fucked her into submission and then dumped her ass in a nuthouse because she was in his way. Spider-man might be able to take Daredevil in a fight, but only Daredevil has defeated somebody with his penis.

Keep your pimp hand strong Mr Murdock.

Friday, May 25, 2012

So, what exactly is a conservative?

Remember back in '08 after the republican party got spanked like a hot redhead with daddy issues? The topic making the rounds in the conservative media at that point was how the Republicans needed to get back to 'conservative principals'. This raised a question in my mind, what exactly are those principals? Or more broadly, what exactly is conservatism? That was almost four years ago and I can't say I've come to any sort of a solid answer since.

I get liberals. I think they are misguided fools who don't understand the first thing about human nature or economics, but at least I understand what their philosophy is. They're socialists. Of various flavors and to one degree or another they are socialists. They want to centralize the economy, they want to 'spread the wealth', they want to make everyone equal, even if they must tear down some to do it.

But what is a conservative? What is the philosophy there? What do the individuals pictured above think is the essential nature and purpose of government? They love to throw around words like 'freedom' and 'small government' but how small is their ideal government really? Let's let hear is right from the elephant's mouth:

One of the criticisms I make is to what I refer to as more of a libertarianish right. You know, the left has gone so far left and the right in some respects has gone so far right that they touch each other. They come around in the circle. This whole idea of personal autonomy, well I don’t think most conservatives hold that point of view. Some do. They have this idea that people should be left alone, be able to do whatever they want to do, government should keep our taxes down and keep our regulations low, that we shouldn’t get involved in the bedroom, we shouldn’t get involved in cultural issues. You know, people should do whatever they want. Well, that is not how traditional conservatives view the world and I think most conservatives understand that individuals can’t go it alone. That there is no such society that I am aware of, where we’ve had radical individualism and that it succeeds as a culture. -Rick Santorum

Doesn't sound very 'small government' to me. The more I listen to conservative media the more I think it's a completely schizophrenic philosophy. On one hand when you have bans on trans fat or seat belt laws they rail against the 'Nanny State' attempting to protect adults from themselves. Then they turn around and support keeping drugs illegal and even some wish to outlaw porn. I don't know what you call a government arresting a grown man for looking at a dirty picture, but I sure as fuck wouldn't call it 'small'.

Another odd thing about them is their imperialism. They rail against the federal debt but the fact is if you are not willing to cut both entitlements AND defense you cannot balance the budget. Not only does the right not want to end our mid-east adventures they actually are drooling over the idea of starting a war with Iran. The main reason conservatives sneered so hard at my man Ron Paul was that he didn't want to bomb brown people. The irony of course is that this 'police the world' foreign policy is actually a PROGRESSIVE one given to us largely by Woodrow Wilson. And not only does the right cling to this progressive foreign policy but they do it with such devotion that they find financial collapse preferable to abandoning it. They actually want to bomb goat herders in the deserts of Iran so much they are OK with bankrupting their grandchildren to do it.

So while I understand what conservative positions are on various issues, I fail to see what is the continuity that binds these positions. What is the basic viewpoint at work here? Author Stanley J. Grentz once described postmodernism as "less of a philosophy and more of a mood", I'm beginning to think that is what conservatism is. It isn't a coherent philosophy on government so much as it is based on the preference of the conservative. A sort of romanticized notion of 'the good old days', a clinging to traditionalism. Its just as much big brother as liberalism, but this big brother is wrapped in the flag and holding a cross. Its not that the outer shell of traditionalism makes their big brother any less dangerous or oppressive, it just makes them more comfortable. It is a question of preference not principal. It is a mood and a reaction, not a philosophy.

Thursday, May 24, 2012

The little blue hedgehog that could.

Archie is a strange little company. Their namesake franchise is supposedly for kids, but they have pulled several odd headline grabbing stunts in recent years. They recently had a story arch guest starring Obama and Palin. Is that suppose to be for kids? Do kids give a shit about politics? I'm about as much of a political junkie as you'll ever meet, but when I was 9 I wasn't watching Meet the Press. I didn't know anything about the President other then my dad seemed to believe he was, and I quote, "a fucking asshole." More recently they decided to tackle issues of sexual orientation that I'm sorry have no fucking business in a comic book aimed directly at little ass kids. A lot of inner turmoil at Archie too apparently. Recently they fired their Co-CEO Nancy Silberkleit over some most likely bullshit sexual harassment claims. Why do I say bullshit? Because like 90% of sexual harassment is bullshit. Apparently she was making a joke about cock in the office or something. Because at Archie only Kevin Keller is allowed to like penis.

But at this strange little company lies one of the most unlikely success stories in the comic book industry. Sonic the Hedgehog has been going on for well over 200 issues now. Lots of video games have had comics, everything from Mortal Kombat to Mario. But none have come close to the success that Sonic had. Lara Croft's involvement in the Top Cow universe came the closest and that only lasted 50 issues.

And that success is richly deserved. I don't think there is a better all ages book out there. Sonic is touching, funny, exciting, totally accessibly to kids and even able to entertain an old cynical nerd like myself. After years of not reading it I hoped back on for the Genesis story and have been hooked on it since.

I remember during the Genesis story an issue of Sonic came out the same week and an issue of Hellraiser. I thought to myself 'What does it say about me that my two favorite books this week are Hellraiser and Sonic?"

I guess I'm a complicate man sometimes.

Wednesday, May 23, 2012

Review of the week: Aquaman #9

All and all I consider 'The New 52' to be an abysmal, spectacular fucking failure. It made the timeline and history of these characters more complicated not less. It gave great books like Power Girl the axe in favor of garbage like Grifter. It apparently hasn't brought in new readers and after the initial bump of new number 1 sales its crashing and burning fast. DC knows this too. Why do you think they recently announced, in a pathetically transparent headline grabbing bit of pandering to the Rainbow Mafia, that they would be making one of their characters gay? Like that's news. They already have a lesbian starring in her own book.

But one way the New 52 has been successful is Aquaman. Aquaman is so unbelievable fucking awesome right now. I'm speechless. I used to laugh so hard at old white fish. I remember once in a while over the years an issue of Aquaman would sometimes end up in my subscription box at my comic store. I would get pissed. "Don't put that shit in there. I could have accidentally bought it" But leave it to Geoff Johns to make Aquaman cool. This has been my favorite DC book since the New 52 started.

That being said, this issue was kinda lame. It wasn't bad, it just felt like filler. Like they needed to pad this story up for a trade. Black Manta attempts to steal some manacles from somebody called the Prisoner. Aquaman and Ya'Wara fight some of Manta's hired goons. Mera and Shin talk more (with Mera threatening him the whole time) and we learn that after Aquman's dad died of a heart attack while fighting Manta Aquaman took revenge by killing Manta's son.

So there you have it, not a bad issue but not as good as I've come to expect from this series. Hopefully next issue will be a little better. This issue, and honestly to a lesser extent this whole story line is falling flat with me.

Tuesday, May 22, 2012

Open wide.

So I went to the dentist today. And as I left I couldn't help but think "I paid for that?" Seriously, could the dentist possibly suck more? Even when it doesn't hurt it still feels creepy as hell, that scraping vibration you feel through your whole skull. Last check up I went to I hadn't been in for almost ten years so it was a fucking ordeal. I think she had to bring out a belt sander from the basement. And of course the girl was giving me a guilt trip the whole time. It takes a special kind of woman to torture the shit out of you and make you feel like an asshole for it. "Your gums are bleeding a lot here" That might have something to do with the metal spike your stabbing them with. I mean granted that's just my amature opinion and you did go to school for this. But I'm pretty sure you could prick my finger with that and it would bleed. Doesn't mean I don't wash my hands. What possesses a girl to become a dental hygienist by the way? "Hmmm I'd like a job where people pay me to torture them, but I want to find something more socially acceptable than dominatrix."

Well things were fine this check up. No guilt trip. Which is good because for some reason I actually care that this person I barely know approves of my dental hygiene. It's an odd relationship. If I wreck my car and take it to the mechanic I don't feel like I should apologize to him as he assess the damage. And yet if my dental hygienist doesn't approve of how my teeth look somehow I feel like I ruined her day.

It's a very strange dynamic.

Monday, May 21, 2012

Rob Liefeld's romantic side.

I was bored tonight and decided to go onto Rob Liefeld's site looking for a laugh. I found this little gem. So lets take a look at what's happening in this pic, she is kissing him and he is grimacing with his mouth tightly shut. Is this what Liefeld thinks kissing is? Is this some sort of Alpha male asshole game taken too far? What is going on here? This is on the front page of his site. He is choosing to display this train wreck. He must think this is a good example of his work.

Also I couldn't help but notice but on the front page of his site there is a button to email him. He lets anybody and everybody email him. What chrome plated balls on that man. I almost respect that. Think about it, how much hate mail do you think is in his inbox each day?

When I think about how many talented artists out there would suck a dick to work at Marvel or DC, the fact that Rob is still getting work boggles the mind.

Sunday, May 20, 2012

Villain spotlight: Crime Syndicate of Amerika.

One of my favorite concepts in both the super hero genre and just sci-fi in general is the idea of parallel universes. And a classic type of parallel universes is the 'evil universe' story. And no evil universe I know of is cooler then the one inhabited by the Crime Syndicate of Amerika (Suck it goatee and dagger Spock). Ultraman, Owlman, Jonny Quick, Superwoman, and Power Ring. I tell you if Warner Bros ever got its act together to do a JLA movie, I'd much rather see the CSA in it then Darkseid or Starro or whoever. OK Maybe the CSA should be saved for a sequel but still.

Now other then their appearance and deaths in Crisis on Infinite Earths I haven't read any of the stories of the Earth-3 pre-crisis CSA, so I can't really comment on any of them. The post Crisis CSA, the one we first saw in JLA: Earth 2, that's the one I love. Rather then living on Earth 3 this CSA lived in the anti-matter universe. Kurt Busiek would later use the CSA in both a cameo in his JLA/Avengers mini and an amazing story in JLA called Syndicate Rules. In it we see the basic moral code that keeps the CSA's world from tearing itself apart, the favor bank. Someone does something for you, you pay it back, no matter what.

But then came rough times for a CSA fan such as myself. Much like another villain I love, Carnage, writers seemed to not know what to do with this goatee and dagger Justice League. Ultraman and Owlman appeared in a pointless Superman/Batman Annual that turned out to both an imaginary story and a waste of paper. Then in the cluster fuck that was Countdown we were introduced to the new inhabitants of Earth 3 the Crime Soceity. These were like more of an evil Justice Society then a Justice League. While I actually thought that was pretty cool, in the editorial mess DC was going through in the Countdown era I feel like some writers were getting the Crime Syndicate and Crime Society mixed up. At one point in their last appearance in Justice League of America one of them mentions how they don't want to go back to their world because they 'don't trust it, it keeps changing'. So despite my love of these guys the only CSA stories I could recommend are JLA: Earth 2 and JLA: Syndicate Rules.

And now, with the hot fucking incoherent mess that is the new 52, its doubtful we'll be seeing the CSA anytime soon. And if we do, it's almost certain Jim Lee will have designed gay new costumes for them.

I'll miss you guys.

Saturday, May 19, 2012

Another fine day at CNC's Comics.

I have a stand/store that sells comics at an indoor flea market called Saturday's Market. We're called CNC's Comics. It was a brutally slow day, one of the first nice days of the season so I guess everyone was doing yard work and what not. At one point though a father and daughter, regular customers, came in. The little girl LOVES Spider-girl. She sometimes picks up other MC2 books like A-next or J2 or Wild Thing. She even once picked up some of that 616 Spider-girl. But mostly its just Mayday Parker with this girl.

So as she was waiting for her dad to look around and find something I saw her sitting on the ground near the counter. She was reading some Spider-girl books out of our dollar bin deciding which ones she wanted to get. It was more adorable then a bag full of lolcats.

That's why I have that stand. Sure it pays for my hobby and hopefully will soon become a real store. But its not just about the money, at Saturdays Market I could probably make more money selling some sort of food or Magic Cards or stickers for douche bags to put on their skateboards. But moments like that make it totally worth it.

Good to be alive sometimes.

Personally I was more of a J2 man myself.

Thursday, May 17, 2012

New theory involving Santorum and dogs.

OK, now I can't prove this, but I suspect my former Senator Rick Santorum fucks dogs. If not that exactly, then at least something equally gross. But if I was a betting man I'd go with dogs. Now like I said I don't have proof, but I believe when you examine the clues you will see how strongly things seem to point in that direction.

Clue #1: Rick Santorum is very concerned with what other people do with their genitals. For instance despite being supposedly small government he is for states banning birth control and sodomy. Now I suppose one could argue that from a strictly state's rights stance, but I don't seem to remember a similar state's rights stance when the Federal government was overriding California's medical marijuana law. Nobody is that concerned, that worked up, that pissed off about what two grown men are doing in the privacy of their own homes without there being some sort of issues. Or as our old friend Shakespeare would put it "The lady doth protest too much, methinks."

Clue#2 Rick thinks gay sex is pretty much the same thing as man on dog. Now I'm a Christian, not a very good one, but Jesus likes me anyway, and I believe homosexuality is wrong. Not different, wrong. Doesn't mean it's any of the governments business but it's still wrong. But even though I think homosexuality is wrong I think there are several steps between blowing another dude and blowing a dog. I'm gonna say at least 6 steps. Now OK you say, 'He was just making the slippery slope argument.' Perhaps, but I think his choice of extreme example is key because these guys always secretly deep down inside want to get caught. They're like the Riddler, they just have to leave clues. Remember that guy, Sandusky, who was (allegedly) raping little boys at Penn State? He wrote an autobiography a few years ago called Touched. Like I said, they just have to leave clues. Oh and speaking of Sandusky.....

Clue #3 Turns out Santorum and Sandusky used to be buddies. Well, maybe not BFFs but they certainly had a connection. Of course now Rick is like "Nah, I never heard of that fucker" But perverts of a feather...

Clue #4 Republican sex scandals are gross. Seriously, Democrats get caught with some hookers, or sexting their junk to some skanks. Republicans get caught trying to blow a guy in the men's room or trying to buttfuck some of their pages. And as a general rule the more of a moral crusader they are the grosser the inevitable sex scandal. And Rick is one of the biggest moral crusaders out there.

Clue #5. He's Catholic. My high school sweet heart was raised Catholic. That, combined with some of the headlines in recent years, tells me Catholics are freaks. *sigh* Sometimes I really miss that girl.

So there you have it. Certainly not enough to convict in a court of law, but I think the clues are there. Am I right? Only time will tell.

Wednesday, May 16, 2012

Villain spotlight: Dr. Robotnik

Dr. Ivo Robotnik (I refuse to call him 'Eggman', fuck you Japan) has long terrorized the planet Mobius. But what would drive a man to put small animals inside of robot versions of different animals and use them to wage war against his fellow man, as well as against animals who are sentient and humanoid such as Sonic, Knuckles, and Princess Sally? This blog has uncovered audio from Robotnik's early days working in his lab, along with his nephew and lab assistant Snively, that might shed some light on things:

Robotnik: Snively! Check it out, I built a big ass robot caterpiller. I call it Cater-killer. Get it?

Snively: Yes Uncle very clever. Uncle Ivo, I don't wanna be a dick here, but the last paycheck you gave me bounced and....

Robotnik: Not now Snively! This robot needs a power source, go outside and catch me a squirrel.

Snively: Wait what? We have some power cells here I can just...

Robotnik: Snively get your head out of your ass. Have you seen energy costs lately? Fucking oil prices have been going through the roof. But there's squirrels and mice and birds and shit everywhere. The perfect renewable energy source.

And thus were the beginnings of the 'varmit reactor' technology Robotnik would come to master. Interesting side note, this technology is currently being pursued very aggressively by Solyndra. Robotnik would expand this process of shoving a small animal into a robot, or 'Robotisizing' as he calls it, into a stream lined process used to turn enemies into robot slaves. Most recently he robotisized Princess Sally turning her into a super weapon and, many suspect, his own personal sex robot.

But why use this technology for evil? Surely he could have made his world a better place with his genius? Perhaps some childhood trauma haunts him. Perhaps he is jealous of his cousin Jamie's lucrative job co-hosting Mythbusters. Or perhaps, as many speculate, Robotnik is just a dick. Seeing as how the last therapist to attempt to treat Dr. Robotnik was turned into a robot penguin, the world may never know.

Review of the week: Fantastic Four #605.1

Given what you see on the cover and that the point one issues are meant to be new reader friendly you would expect this to be a re-telling of the FF's orgin. Four people go into space, get exposed to cosmic radiation storm, get super powers.

Except here it's the story of Doktor Richards, head scientist for the Third Reich on a mission from Hitler to conquer the Heavens. With him is the security detail of Susan and Jonathan Sturm and Benjamin Jakob Grimm, Jewish pilot on work release from a concentration camp.

I gotta say, pretty fucking cool so far. Granted its not what I expected, and I don't know how this alternate reality story is 'new reader friendly' but I still loved it.

Eventually this Richards gets his hands on the Infinity Gauntlet, which he calls the 'God Hand' and while facing opposition from this worlds version of the X-men and Avengers he loses his temper over them "vexing" him and in a hissy fit of rage uses the Gauntlet to accidently destroy all life in his universe. After a while he leaves his universe and becomes the founder of the Council of Reed Richards with alternate versions of himself.

There were a few great moments in this issue, that really made me want to know more about this world. The best was when Reed had several scientists working on some formula. The one who solved it was Viktor Von Doom. Reed is so impressed that he cuts out Doom's brain and has it surgically grafted onto his.

Damn. That's fucking twisted. I love it. All and all I gotta say this issue is worth all 299 pennies. 

Monday, May 14, 2012

Retro review: What if? Vol 2 #42

This little What if branches off when Spider-man had his six arms. In this universe Morbius is killed by sharks (apparently jumping into the ocean covered in the blood of a fresh kill didn't work out well for him) before he ever attacked six armed Spider-man so he never bites Spidey thus curing him of having six arms. Because Vampire bites do that for some reason. So Spidey is stuck with his extra arms.

 Well Peters not happy about this so he goes to see Professor X hoping he can help. He cant. Poor Spidey is like "You mean I'm stuck being some kinda....cripple?!" Then he apologizes to Professor X for using the word cripple around somebody in a wheelchair. That's like the n-word to them I guess. He also goes to the Fantastic Four for help. Despite all the crazy tech in the Marvel universe it seems nobody knows how to get rid of Spidey's arms. He gives him gloves that can render his extra arms invisible. Because that's apparently easier or something.

Basically at the end Spidey just keeps his arms and kinda gives up being Peter more or less and focuses just on being Spider-man. And at the end hes an inspiration for cripples.... oh wait I'm sorry Handicapped people all over the world. Awwww. It was like a damn after school special. I'm surprised it didn't tell me to not do drugs and stay in school while it was at it. But here's the biggest problem with it. How in the hell is having six arms like being crippled? Its actually like the exact fucking opposite of being handicapped. Your actually more physically able with six arms. The rest of us with only two arms are handicapped compared to you. OK I get having six arms would probably make you something of a freak and social outcast. But that not what this issue was saying. Spidey wasn't an inspiration to freaks and outcasts at the end, he was and inspiration to the handicapped. That doesn't make any damn sense. Its like Reed Richards being an inspiration to the retarded. Its like Giant Man being an inspiration to midgets. And one other thing. I'm still confused as to why Spidey couldn't get rid of his arms. I mean couldn't he just cut the fuckers off? Surely the brilliant Reed Richards or even Doctor Conners could handle an amputation.

I give this book a grade of Meh!

Sunday, May 13, 2012

A whole new reason to hate Rob Liefeld

Sweet Christmas I hate that douchebag. There's not much that can be said about Rob here that hasn't already been said. But in the last couple years a whole new reason to wish horrible painful death upon this man has emerged. His artwork has actually improved a little.

Yes Rob Liefeld has actually gotten a little better in the last few years. All the way up to shitty. Let's look at his recent Hawk and Dove #1.
OK now that's pretty shitty. But lets look at some earlier work.

Holy shit look at that one girl's back.

Warpath, what the fuck happened to your arms?

And of course this little fucking gem. This wasn't even a page from a comic it was just a promotional pic he did for the Heroes Reborn train wreck. And yet it's still one of the most infamous images in comic book history. You know theres actually a video on youtube where Rob talks about how when he sent that pic out Jim Lee called him that night saying "Rob you gotta fix this shit" and he told Lee 'Fuck you man, it looks fine"

You know what the last three images have in common? They are fucking funny. As soon as you look at them your like "Holy shit" and you start laughing. I can't look through a copy of Youngblood #1 without laughing so hard I can't breath. Rob's art was so bad, for a while I was convinced his whole career was some sort of Andy Kaufman-like joke he was playing on us.

But look at that cover to Hawk and Dove #1. I mean it certainly doesn't look good, but Rob's work used to jump off the page and rape your eyeballs with its insanity.This just sucks. Its not 'Holy Mother fucking shit what the hell is this?" bad. It's just bad. It's not funny anymore. I have always hated Liefeld, but I used to love to hate him. I laughed at his artwork so much I felt like I should thank him for all the good times I had. In a twisted way I was kind of a fan. But now? Now its just bad. I don't love to hate Liefeld anymore, I just hate him. His artwork got better, which in an odd way made it worse.

So reason #417 to hate Rob Liefeld: He stopped being funny.

Sylvester Stallone is a time traveler.

Or at least he will be. How else do you explain him appearing in a 16th century painting in the Vatican?

Saturday, May 12, 2012

Why I don't buy man made climate change.

When I was a kid I was told by my teachers the world was going to keep getting hotter and we would all drown when the polar ice caps melt. It was going to be like Waterworld, except without Kevin Costner, so there was at least some upside. My 4th grade teacher used to say after a snow day "Enjoy them now, soon there won't be any snow" Few things could upset a little kid more than no more snow days, of course as an adult I could do without seeing another flake of snow in my fucking life.

Well a couple years ago I come to find out what I always suspected, my 4th grade teacher was full of shit. I was literally up to my balls in snow.I knew that bitch didn't know her asshole from a hole in the ground.

So now that the whole 'no more snow' theory didn't pan out, do the global warming people say "Opps my bad, turns out that was indeed just a hole in the ground" Of course not. Now they say "Well see what happens is global warming causes climate change and weather gets all fucking crazy and that's why there's snow on the ground when you're trick or treating" OK maybe. But see that's not what you people were saying before. You were saying it was just gonna get hotter. Now I don't know a tremendous amount about meteorology, so I can't really disprove your new 'bat-shit insane weather' theory. But I do know a little something about human nature and have a somewhat decent sense for when somebody is bullshitting me and making it up as they go.

So add to that the fact that the U.N. Climate change panel was apparently just pulling numbers out of their assholes and the fact that whenever you question climate change to the true believers you get roughly the same reaction you would if you went into the Vatican and dipped your balls in the Holy Grail, and I gotta tell you, I remain skeptical to say the least.

So until I see some more compelling evidence from sources that aren't quite so discredited, I'm just not a ManBearPig believer.

Review of the week: The Pro

OK so I know I'm a little behind the times here. The first printing of The Pro came out a decade ago. Well somehow it slipped under my radar the first time around and I just heard about it this past week as they released a second printing. For those of you who don't know the Pro is the story of a prostitute who gains super powers and joins a super hero team full of JLA knock offs.

There is a lot to dislike about this comic. Garth Ennis is sort of the Larry the Cable guy of comics. Its really good the first time but after a while you realize how one note he is and it just gets old. If you read one Eniss story you basically read them all. And I like super heroes but Ennis has made his contempt for them pretty clear over the years. He is almost incapable of writing them as anything other then infantile, insane, perverts, or just idiots.

But this book is still pretty damn funny although that is is owed mostly to the amazing art of Amanda Conner. It is said that in one sense a comic book artist is an actor, and Conner is a great actress, particularly a great comedic actress. The amazing amount of feeling and expression she puts into the faces and body language of her characters are able to carry Ennis' weaker more cliched jokes.

If this is the first Garth Ennis book you have read pick it up. You will love it. If like me Ennis has worn thin with you get this book anyway. Conner saves it from being yet another Ennis book

Mark my words....

....that kid's gonna be a serial killer when he grows up.

Credit where credit's due.

Once again at my comic book store I heard someone udder the words that grate on my soul "Todd McFarlane created Venom" Let's set something straight. Todd McFarlane DID NOT create Venom. Well, at least not really.

First of all there was a writer involved. You know those guys who actually come up with the plot, the dialogue, the the sequence of events, all those little things that actually make a story. So at the very least Todd is co-creator with David Michelinie.

But I will grant that Venom's visual appeal is a large part of his popularity. Some would say most of it in fact. But how much of that was really Todd? Mike Zeck was the artist on Secret Wars and Ron Frenz was the artist on Amazing Spider-man when the black costume came about. So Todd had nothing to do with the foundation of Venom's design. So what exactly did the supposed 'creator of Venom' do?

He added teeth.

The man is considered THE creator of one of Marvel's most enduring characters because he added teeth.

Fucking teeth. What a genius.

Friday, May 11, 2012

If you can't feed 'em, don't breed 'em.

So for those of you who are not Christian and don't go to church or have much if any exposure to Evangelical culture, they are obsessed with having kids. Fucking obsessed. You constantly hear them talk about the need to out breed non believers. It's all ironically very Darwinian of them. So many of them feel it is their sacred duty to pump out as many as they can as fast as they can. Regardless of whether or not they can care for them. So in my church I know two couples who recently had babies and are having financial troubles as a result of it. One recently had their 3rd or 4th kid and the other had their first. The former used no birth control and just let nature take its course and the latter actually worked pretty hard over the course of a year to conceive. Both couples however had NO IDEA how they would pay for these children. And yet they did it anyway. Both couples are collecting government assistance. So I, and the rest of my fellow tax payers, are paying for their recklessness.

So forgive how unspiritual this sounds of me, but what the fuck!? NOBODY in my church is calling them to task for this. Indeed we were encourage to pray for the younger couple that God would bless them with a child during their attempts to conceive. Now I don't dislike either of these couples. And I do pray that God will provide. I have no wish to see them punished for this choice. Lord knows I've been stupid with money in the past too. So I don't want to throw stones here. And certainly this situation isn't the fault of these children. So again I pray God will provide. But I cannot believe that their decision is not only not criticized but celebrated in the church.

If I bought a new car or house, knowing full well I would not be able to keep up with the payments, and then came to my small group months later asking for prayer about my financial problems, I'm sure I would get prayer but I doubt I'd get a whole lot of sympathy. And any material help I did get from them would probably at least come with a lecture. And rightfully so. But somehow its OK because its a kid and not a mere material possession? Isn't it actually WORSE then? At least my theoretical stupid purchase only has the potential to put me in the poor house and not also a young innocent new life.

For the most part I have a great church and I love the people in it. And I know nobody is ever 100% ready for a child. But when you crunch the numbers and see there is no way you can afford it and then do it anyway because 'God will provide' that's not faith, that stupidity and irresponsibility. So why is it I feel like if I were to stand up in my church and criticize that irresponsibility I would be the bad guy?