Thursday, May 17, 2012

New theory involving Santorum and dogs.


OK, now I can't prove this, but I suspect my former Senator Rick Santorum fucks dogs. If not that exactly, then at least something equally gross. But if I was a betting man I'd go with dogs. Now like I said I don't have proof, but I believe when you examine the clues you will see how strongly things seem to point in that direction.

Clue #1: Rick Santorum is very concerned with what other people do with their genitals. For instance despite being supposedly small government he is for states banning birth control and sodomy. Now I suppose one could argue that from a strictly state's rights stance, but I don't seem to remember a similar state's rights stance when the Federal government was overriding California's medical marijuana law. Nobody is that concerned, that worked up, that pissed off about what two grown men are doing in the privacy of their own homes without there being some sort of issues. Or as our old friend Shakespeare would put it "The lady doth protest too much, methinks."

Clue#2 Rick thinks gay sex is pretty much the same thing as man on dog. Now I'm a Christian, not a very good one, but Jesus likes me anyway, and I believe homosexuality is wrong. Not different, wrong. Doesn't mean it's any of the governments business but it's still wrong. But even though I think homosexuality is wrong I think there are several steps between blowing another dude and blowing a dog. I'm gonna say at least 6 steps. Now OK you say, 'He was just making the slippery slope argument.' Perhaps, but I think his choice of extreme example is key because these guys always secretly deep down inside want to get caught. They're like the Riddler, they just have to leave clues. Remember that guy, Sandusky, who was (allegedly) raping little boys at Penn State? He wrote an autobiography a few years ago called Touched. Like I said, they just have to leave clues. Oh and speaking of Sandusky.....

Clue #3 Turns out Santorum and Sandusky used to be buddies. Well, maybe not BFFs but they certainly had a connection. Of course now Rick is like "Nah, I never heard of that fucker" But perverts of a feather...

Clue #4 Republican sex scandals are gross. Seriously, Democrats get caught with some hookers, or sexting their junk to some skanks. Republicans get caught trying to blow a guy in the men's room or trying to buttfuck some of their pages. And as a general rule the more of a moral crusader they are the grosser the inevitable sex scandal. And Rick is one of the biggest moral crusaders out there.

Clue #5. He's Catholic. My high school sweet heart was raised Catholic. That, combined with some of the headlines in recent years, tells me Catholics are freaks. *sigh* Sometimes I really miss that girl.

So there you have it. Certainly not enough to convict in a court of law, but I think the clues are there. Am I right? Only time will tell.

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