Tuesday, July 31, 2012

Retro Review: Green Lantern vol 3 #72

Alright so to recap last issue, Kyle Rayner has started a 'Hero Quest', basically a road trip to seek the advise of more experienced super heroes. Last issue he went to Gotham to seek out Batman's advice, who basically told Kyle to go fuck himself, and he ended up running into the golden age Green Lantern Alan Scott, who offered up some rather morally questionable advise. This issue he heads to Fawcett City to seek out advise from Captain Marvel.

There really isn't as much to this issue as the last one. We see Captain Marvel save Museum Curator Professor Tolemy from some falling piece of an Egyptian exhibit just outside the museum entrance that had fallen from a crane. Then we cut to Kyle who has snuck into the not open yet exhibit to sketch some of the artifacts. The professor finds him and gives him a little speech about how awesome Egyptian culture was before throwing him out. Next we cut to Kyle sketching on the steps of the museum, and Billy Batson AKA Captain Marvel comes by and asks to look at the sketches. The two chat for a little bit both unaware of the others duel identity when the museum explodes. They of course both run off in different directions 'Looking for help'. And of course Green Lantern and Captain Marvel both show up to find the explosion in the museum was caused by the newly resurrected Priest Seti. Seti is of course going on your standard Egyptian monster rampage and GL and CM attack him. Throughout the fight Captain Marvel keeps insisting to Green Lantern that maybe we can just talk to Seti and work this out. Once our two heroes deduce that this is actually Professor Tolemy possessed by Seti CM manages to talk Tolemy into regaining control. So Green Lantern has learned that sometimes the day can be won with words rather then violence. Granted most of the time undead monsters can't be talked into behaving, but I guess it never hurts to try. Also as with last issue we had another epilogue involving a mysterious threat to the Darkstars.

This was a decent if predictable story. As soon as Captain Marvel started insisting "maybe we can talk to him" you knew both how this would resolve itself and what lesson GL would learn. Still it was a pretty fun read.

Next stop in our 'Hero Quest': Wonder Woman.

Retro Review: Green Lantern Vol 3 # 71

Batman is an asshole. A total and complete asshole. More on that later. This was actually the first Green Lantern issue I ever read so it holds a special place in my heart. I decided today to dig it out and see if it still holds up after all these years.

The story here is that Kyle Rayner, the GL at the time, has decided to go on a bit of a road trip and seek out advice from other heroes on how to be a better hero. He's still pretty new to the whole GL thing at this point and feels like he could use the guidance. So he comes to Gotham seeking out the advice of Batman. Batman proceeds to make Kyle feel like an ass and goes off about how he doesn't have time to hold Kyle's hand, figure it out for yourself, etc etc. Damn Bruce, way to be a dick. You train people all the time, you've had three Robins for fuck's sake. Maybe you don't have time to train Kyle, maybe you don't even feel equipped to train him in these powers, but why not send him somewhere he could be trained? Surely you know other heroes who could help him. You don't think maybe the guy standing in front of you, wielding nearly god like power, asking for help in wielding it responsibly merits you at least sending him in the direction of getting training? Sometimes Batman is a complete asshole.

After that disappointing encounter Kyle stumbles upon Alan Scott, the golden age Green Lantern who also operates out of Gotham. Alan has recently been de-aged to be physically in his 20's and now calls himself Sentinel. He offers to give Kyle some advise in exchange for helping him catch a criminal called Harlequin, not to be confused with the Joker's girlfriend Harley Quinn.

So once Harlequin is apprehended we find out that she is actually Alan's wife Molly, sorta. After Alan was de-aged it put a real strain on his marriage for obvious reasons, so his wife sold her soul to a demon to get de-aged as well. Her soulless body now took on the persona of Harlequin. Alan has recently rescued Molly's soul and is going to shove it back into her body. This will apparently destroy the 'person' of Harlequin but Alan does it anyway, even while Harlequin cries and begs for her life. Damn. This issue actually raises interesting ethical and philosophical questions. Without a soul was Harlequin 'real'? Was this a form of murder? I'm sorta of the mindset that any sentient being would have a soul so I'm not very found of the idea of 'soulless beings'. Either way it is clear Kyle is as uneasy with this as I am, to which Alan responds "Sometimes you have to do whatever it takes."

Well Kyle it looks like Gotham proved pretty useless when it comes to guidance on being a hero, first you get no advise, then, shall we say questionable advise. Maybe you'll have better luck in your next stop. Oh and at the very end of this issue we get an epilogue where some alien kills a member of the Darkstars. Don't know what that's all about, guess we'll find out some other time.

And as to the earlier question, does this issue still hold up to me? Yes, this is probably one of the better stories from Kyle's run as GL. The art is solid, the interactions are well written, even is Bats comes off as a bit too much of a douche, and it actually left me asking a couple of deep questions. All and all definitely worth reading.

Monday, July 30, 2012

Hero Spotlight/Villain Spotlight: Tron Bonne.

I wasn't really sure whether to put this in Villain Spotlight or Hero Spotlight. She's sorta in between so I put her in both. Tron Bonne is a Mega Man character who ended up in her own spin off game called The Misadventures of Tron Bonne. I've never actually had a chance to play that game as a used copy costs anywhere from your first born child to your immortal soul. But I heard it's pretty good for a PS1 game.

Tron Bonne is a member of the Bonne family of pirates. She is a mechanical genius and has several robots of her own design at her disposal. The most memorable of these of course is her army of sentient robotic warrior butt plugs known as Servbots.

These things serve as her henchmen and, I suspect, sex slaves. In the Misadventures of Tron Bonne she actually uses a BDSM 'Torture Room' to train these things. I'm not sure if Tron Bonne has or will make an appearance in the current Archie Mega Man comic book, but I have to imagine there are some things about her Archie will need to tone down. Or maybe not. I mean if Kevin Keller's love of the cock is fine in a kids comic book are sex bots really over the line? If so then that's discriminatory against robosexuals and you should be ashamed of yourself Archie comics.

Sunday, July 29, 2012

Retro Review: Spider-girl #81

Hmmmm, is 2005 really old enough for a 'retro' review? Screw it, my blog, my rules and I say old enough. Also, I already gave a ton of back story on the Spider-girl universe in an earlier post, so I won't go into that here.

I was never a huge fan of Spider-girl. It was often too mired in old clone saga plot threads, a Spidey era I'm not very fond of. And Tom DeFalco has never been all that good at dialogue and that's never more true then when he's writing the 'hip' dialogue of teenagers. This issue was definitely a high point of the series though.

This issue starts with Spider-girl stopping Aftershock, the daughter of Electro, from robbing an armored truck. Aftershock electrocutes the driver of the truck and get away while Spider-girl is making sure he's ok. We then cut to Peter and May having a fight. Then the Avengers are calling May with some super hero business. It seems that Max Dillion, AKA Electro is at Avengers Mansion looking for Spider-man. Spider-girl shows up but Electro insists he wants to talk to Spider-man. When Spider-man finally gets there Electro asks him for help, he wants his daughter to be stopped before she goes too far down the super villain road. Aftershock is Electro's illegitimate daughter. Electro wasn't involved in her life because her mother didn't want him to be and their electrical auras are out of sync to the point when they touch each other it is very painful for both of them. The Avengers, Spider-man, and Spider-girl all manage to corner Aftershock at which point Electro shows up. Max's daughter gives him the typical "Why didn't you love me?" speech to which Max grabs hold of her and holds on until the shock to both of them subsides. Apparently they just had to fight through it to sync up. Being a minor Aftershock will probably get off easy, and Peter and May make up.

Let's talk about the art for a second. I really like Ron Frenz' art, but there was one major screw up in this issue I just can't over look

Holy crap look at the lack of perspective on the floor tiles. It's like they're just floating in front of a tiled wall or something. Come on Frenz, your better then that.

Now as for the writing, this was actually a genuinely touching issue. The father/daughter issues being worked out both by Peter and May and Max and his daughter were very well written. And the awkwardness Max clearly felt asking Peter for help came through perfectly. Also not a lot of high school moments in this issue, the above scene aside, so we weren't subjected to DeFalco's idea of teenage slang.

All and all a great read.

Retro Review: Evil Ernie: Youth Gone Wild TPB

I haven't read a lot of CHAOS! comics over the years. And the ones I've read have been pretty terrible. They have usually either felt like fantasy porn that never gets to the sex or just complete non sense I couldn't make heads or tails of. But the other day a customer at my store brought in some trades for store credit and this was one of them. This is the first Evil Ernie and Lady Death story so I figured it was worth a look, if for no other reason than to be able to say I read it. I gotta say I was pleasantly surprised.

So the story here is of Ernie Fairchild, a psychotic killer who murders for the love of Lady Death. He is in a mental institution and ends up being the guinea pig for a new device called neurotech. His current doctor, Dr Price, who has treated Ernie since he was a child objects to this. He even tries to stop it telling everyone Ernie has a mindlink with Lady Death and this could make it stronger. I'm not sure how Dr Price knows about this or why he believes its true and not just a delusion on Ernie's part. But it turns out Dr Price is correct and the machine blows up which turns Ernie into an undead killer powered by Lady Death's magic. He has to ability to kill and create an army of zombies that obey him and at Lady Death's request he seeks to kill all the living. Ultimately he is stopped by Dr Price. When Price manages to blow Ernie up all of his zombie followers collapse, no longer animated by his power.

This actually wasn't that bad. This reads like a pretty fun interesting horror movie that never got made. It has an interesting premise, Dr Price fills the role of the square jawed Bruce Campbell like hero who saves the day, and it even has a moment at the end in which Ernie can return for a 'sequel'. The art looks a little, I guess amateurish is the best way I can describe it. But it's amateurish in a charming way, kinda like the original TMNT comics. The relationship between Lady Death and Ernie is pretty interesting, it's almost like a low brow version of Thanos and Death in Marvel.

It's main flaw however is Ernie himself. Ernie is too ridiculous to be all that scary and too annoying and stupid to be all that funny. He's like the moron you knew in high school who wore a leather jacket even when it was hot and took Insane Clown Posse WAY too seriously. In a blurb on the back cover Tony Timpone, then Editor-in-Chief of Fangoria magazine, compared Ernie to Freddy Krueger. The difference is Freddy was actually funny. Hell even in the Freddy movies that sucked Robert England was able to bring a certain magic to that character. Ernie's just annoying. I actually thought Lady Death was the real star of this book.

The original issues are stupid expensive but the trade can be found for decent prices various places online. If your a horror fan you should check it out, it'll be a fun read.

Friday, July 27, 2012

The Nolan trilogy: Batman movies for people who don't like Batman.

Warning:This post contains spoilers on Dark Knight Rises.

So Dark Knight Rises has come, Christopher Nolan Batman trilogy is complete, and this particular incarnation of Batman is wrapped up. I suppose it's possible they could do still another sequel but given how DKR ends I can't imagine another sequel wouldn't suck a fat dick. So as I think back over this trilogy there is one thing about it that I didn't like, and it shows the most in this final movie. Now don't get me wrong, I by no means hate these movies, I don't even dislike them, I like all three of these movies, but I feel like these were Batman movies that didn't want to be Batman movies. They were almost too grounded, to the point that it seemed like they were ashamed of the source material.

So we started with Batman Begins. In some ways this is the most grounded and the least super hero-y for lack of a better term. But given how we were showing, in depth, how the very idea of Batman came along for Bruce this made sense. So being so grounded didn't bother me in this one. In fact the only problem I have with this movie is itssssss ssssssssoooooo sssssssslllllloooooowwwww. The first time I saw it that didn't bother me, but it gets harder to sit through every time I watch it.

Now this one to me is by far the best of the series, it is the most Batman of these Batman movies. While we still examine the ins and outs of how and why Batman operates the mere presence of the Joker makes this the most outlandish of these movies. And what's to be said about Ledger's performance as the Joker that hasn't already been said? It was simply amazing. But like the first one it is paced terribly and aside from the scenes with Ledger in it, it simply doesn't stand up to multiple viewings.

Now the other two films may have errored on the side of being a little too grounded, but this one goes way too far in that direction. This is the one that truly seemed like it was embarrassed to be a Batman movie.

Let's start with Ann Hathaway as "Catwoman" She is not once actually called Catwoman anywhere in the film (granted I went to the bathroom at one point so correct me if I'm wrong, but my friend I was with says 'Catwoman' was never said) Why? Is the artistic integrity of the film compromised by the utterance of the word 'Catwoman'?

And then there was this. Joseph Gordon Levitt played officer John Blake, a character who seems to be Robin like character. Why not call him Dick Grayson? At least nod to the source material. And at the end after Batman fakes his own death Blake inherits the mansion and is apparently going to be the new Batman. Also we reveal his legal name is Robin John Blake. Why make up a character, a cop who can act in the role of being Batman's sidekick without actually being a sidekick? Is there something about Batman taking a partner that is in and of itself stupid? Granted I don't want him wearing little green boy shorts or that fetish gear Chris O'Donnell had but still.

And what really strikes me is I don't think making things this 'grounded' does all that much to add to the realism. It just makes it more of a run of the mill action movie rather then a super hero movie. For instance after Bane cripples Bruce he throws him into a prison he runs out in Asia. Bruce manages to get healed despite having no real medical attention using some bull shit chiropracty ancient Chinese secret. "Realism" ladies and gentlemen.

I liked the Nolan movies, but in some respects I'm not sad to see them go. Maybe the next Batman we see on film can combine the over the top fun of Tim Burton's 1989 Batman with the depth of The Dark Knight. And hopefully the next Batman we see in the movies is a precursor to a Justice League movie.

Wednesday, July 25, 2012

By all means please do.

New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg,  who is one of the most power hungry big government assholes (remember this is the mayor who wants to decide how big your soda can be) in American politics today and boy is that saying something, has been up in arms about the need for gun control following the Batman shooting. He recently said that cops should go on strike until Americans surrender their guns. 

Wow, as far as I know this might be the first thing to come out of that man's vile corrupt lips that I think is actually a good idea, albeit inadvertently. We need police to have a civilization, I don't dispute that, but we don't need corrupt out of control bullies wearing the badges. Most good cops support the 2nd Amendment, but boy do the corrupt asshole cops hate it.

So all the pigs who think the American people should be disarmed, please by all means go on strike. You will not be missed. 

Review of the Week: Avengers # 28

I've really been enjoying Avengers vs X-men so far. The tie ins however have been hit or miss. I actually enjoy the tie ins in the X-books a lot more which is odd as I'm more of an Avengers fan. Other then Avengers Academy I really haven't liked almost any of the tie ins in the Avengers books. This one was a pretty good character study, even if it had a few minor plot holes.

This issue starts out with Red Hulk AKA General Thunderbolt Ross reviewing over the events of AvX so far, specifically his role in it. This part of the book is done in an interesting ways. There are flashback panels with no word bubbles, "silent" panels if you will, and panels of all red with Red Hulk's narrations. Rulk decides he needs to do "What Captain America can't and Wolverine won't" and attempt to assassinate Cyclops. He manages to sneak into Utopia in Ross form and is about ready to the shot when he realizes he can't move his finger. Emma has found him and is in his head. She gives him her typical bitchy dominatrix attitude, lecturing him about "the sewer of his mind" when she decides to make him cut his own throat. This of course makes him Hulk out. He fights the X-men for a while and pretty much loses. The X-men decide to he to powerful to be able to hold and decides to send him back "with a message" He lands in the Avengers Wakanda base with an 'X' carved in his chest. He shrugs it off with "It will heal"

On the one hand this was a pretty damn good character study on Red Hulk. On the other hand there is more then a few things wrong with the plot. I thought the X-men didn't know the Avengers were in Wakanda until the part where Namor floods it? Was this afterwards or something? And why did Ross think a bullet would take out Cyclops with his new god-like powers? This could have been one of the best tie ins to this event but these plot holes really shot this issue in the foot.

Tuesday, July 24, 2012

The Batman shootings and false flag operations.

In the wake of the Batman shooting, liberals are of course clamoring for gun control. Gun control advocate Tom Mauser was on Hardball the other day exclaiming that the reason nothing ever gets done is 'people forget'. It amazes me how incapable of understanding mainstream America liberals can be. Nothing gets done on gun control because for the most part Americans oppose gun control and support the 2nd Amendment.  Gun control does not work. Where ever it is put into place is an abysmal failure. But our government would love to disarm us.

Now the more and more I find out about this shooter the more and more things don't add up in the official story. Did this man, James, Holmes act alone? At least one witness indicates that he did not. So why is this not being followed up on? Why is this not being reported more? And how did this grad school drop out who apparently didn't even have a job afford the armory he had? How does a man who planned this for months now appear to be barely aware of his surrounding like he's in a drug induced stupor? Why is he so quiet? Usually these guys can't shut up about the supposed justifications for their murderous rampage? Is there even a manifesto or something? I'm beginning to suspect the possibility this might have been something of a false flag on the part of the government to drum up support for gun control. Some of you may dismiss that as crazy conspiracy theories. But it is a well known fact that governments do engage in false flag operations. In fact more and more the 'Fast and the Furious' operation seems to be a false flag intended to increase demand for gun control, either that or it was incompetence at a nearly impossible level.

Now again I'm not saying that this Batman shooting is indeed a false flag, only that there is some evidence to suggest it. In fact I wouldn't be surprised if this James Holmes guy "kills himself" in prison if you know what I mean. But if this was a ploy by the government to turn us against our 2nd Amendment rights it didn't work.

Americans, it seems, still believe in the right to bear arms. And boy does that confuse and piss off liberals.

Monday, July 23, 2012

Retro Review: J2 #1

J2 stars young Zane Yama, a dorky skinny teenage boy with the ability to transform at will to a Juggernaut of his own. Why can he do this? Well Zane is son of the Juggernaut. This book is one of three titles that launched the MC2 line of books by Marvel in the late 90's. The other two were A-Next, featuring the next generation of Avengers (of which J2 was a member) and of course the only real success of that line Spider-girl, the teenage daughter of Spider-man and Mary Jane. This line was set around 15 years in the future from the regular Marvel universe and spun off of a What if? issue that told the story of Spider-girl's powers manifesting itself at 15. In the issue the grandson of Norman Osborn is threatening Peter and his family. Since Peter is crippled (missing a leg) and he doesn't want his daughter to be a super hero (hypocritical bastard) he seeks out other super heroes for help during which time we get out first glimpse of A-Next and J2.

This isn't really the Avengers we come to see in A-Next. I suppose that's understandable, I highly doubt anybody expected this What If? issue would spawn a line of books at the time. Jubilee, Jolt, and Speedball don't make the A-Next cast, they are explained to be simply reserve and part time members. Vison's face is on the computer screen, I guess his mind is the computer system for the mansion now? I don't know I don't think that's ever referenced again. J2's color scheme looks like the original Juggernaut, as does the shape of his helmet, my guess is this was originally suppose to be the original Juggernaut reformed. The guy with the pony tail is Thunderstrike, the son of the original Thunderstike and he's pretty much just as we see him here. Oh and while not related to J2 or A-Next at all, after this panel Peter walks out without asking for help because "They're all so young" That never made sense to me, this is 15 years from now, Jubille, Speedball, and Jolt all have to be at least 30. I could see him not wanting to share personal secret ID related info with heroes he doesn't know, but "they're too young"? How old do you want them to be Peter? I guess Peter has become one of those middle age men who looks at everyone under 40 and thinks "You damn kids".

Alright, enough background info let's tear into this issue. This issue starts out with Zane having nightmares about his father. His father reformed and married his mom and shortly after he was born he was sucked into a weird alien dimension. That's how Zane puts it. I think we find out in later issues he was helping out the X-men on one of their missions when it happened. By the way Zane's last name is Yama not Marko because his mom went back to her maiden name after Jugg's disappearance. Way to honor a fallen hero. What a bitch. Anyways Zane is a nerd and, well, let's not fucking kid ourselves Zane is fucking Peter Parker. This whole series is constant rip off/homages to the old Lee and Ditko Spider-man. Zane is bad with girls, skinny, nerdy, and even has a blond haired damn near psychotic bully. The bully, named Miller, wants to beat the shit out of Zane after school today. Why? Well, he's a football player in high school, that makes him an asshole. Haven't you ever seen a teen movie? I wonder, is there something about playing football in high school that makes you a violent shitbag, or do only violent shitbags end up playing football in high school? Well I will leave that chicken/egg type debate for another time. So after school we see this panel.

Holy shit how did Miller manage that? Is there like only one exit in this high school? Does he have a bunch of friends with him? I mean shit Miller sounds like he's Seal Team fucking 6 all rolled into one sociopath of a teenager here. Fuck J2, the Avengers should recruit this Miller kid. Anyways Zane hides in the locker room showers. Freaking out about the ass whipping he's about to get when Miller finds him, he get's a nasty headache then flash of light and bam, hes the Juggernaut. Except he's naked. Yes naked. He runs through the school screaming busting through walls, he even runs by the cheerleaders who say "hubba hubba" because they are apparently time traveling cheerleaders from the 1950's. Seriously, dialogue has never been Tom DeFalco's strong suit and that's never more painfully obvious then when he's writing the 'hip' dialogue of teenagers. Anyways Zane manages to hide in an alley and calm down enough to turn back into normal Zane, again fully clothed. Next chapter we see Zane putting together a costume for his giant alter ego, apparently deciding against simply just calling himself The Streak. Once that's done out next chapter is Zane and various other high school kids at the amusement park. Zane is there along with Talia Zamora, the vapid hot blond Zane lusts after, Montana the cute girl who's into him and would make a way better girlfriend then the blond anyways, but he's too stupid to notice, and our Flash Thompson clone Miller. Oh and a bunch of other nameless kids are there too. The amusement park is attacked by Rollerblast, a villain with rollerblades and gauntlets that shoot energy. J2 easily beats the shit out of this idiot, but of course Zane is seen as a coward because he ran off when this all started. Then we cut to Jubilee, leader of the X-People (which is a stupid fucking politically correct name) planning to confront this new Juggernaut. The End.

You know for all it's faults I really liked J2 back when it was out. I actually thought it was better than Spider-girl ever was. Sure the dialogue is embarrassingly bad, sure its completely rehashing silver age Spidey, but there was something about it that was just fun. Ron Lim's art is a joy, J2 had a cool character design, and the book was just a blast. It never took itself too seriously, it knew it was ripping off silver age Spidey, hell it reveled in that fact, often directly homaging classic panels from early Spidey. For all it's faults J2 was a damn fun book and you should check it out. A-Next too.

Sunday, July 22, 2012

Post Batman shooting reaction.

I'm somewhat pleasantly surprised by the reaction to the Batman shooting. Normally it seems like when a tragedy like this happens people lose their minds and panic. There has been a little bit of that here but not as much as I would have thought. Things like this show us our mortality, that any one of us may not come back home when we head out. Safety is at best a relative term. Those truths are scary but they are none the less true. Let us not surrender freedoms or forgo enjoyments like the movies because one lunatic out of a country of over 300 million lashed out. The simple fact of the matter is these things can and will happen. Life is too short to live in fear.

The natural urge is to react to these things to make sure it doesn't happen again. But aberrations like this mad man can not be planned against, certainly not fully. Banning costumes at movies, increasing security, or whatever other knee jerk reaction comes to people's minds will probably only serve to hinder the enjoyment of movie goers, not significantly add to their safety.

Then there are those who would use this to further a political agenda. On the left of course is the gun control crowd. Never mind that gun control does not make people safe, well meaning fools will always call for it after something like this. And our power hungry government would love to see us disarmed at the first change they had. And of course those on the right will attack the very movie industry itself. Michael Savage on his Friday show said Obama should have called for the movie to be pulled. Savage went on to explain how violent movies are responsible for this sort of violence. This is particularly hypocritical from a man with a penchant for Gangster and Mafia movies like Savage. Do not listen to these sanctimonious fools, we must not surrender our First and Second Amendment rights on the altar of safety, or we will ultimately end up neither safe nor free.

The only positive way to react to something like this is to extend sympathy to those affected, to realize life is short, to be thankful for the time you have, and to make your peace with God, because one day, be it decades from now or today, you too will die.

Friday, July 20, 2012

Retro Review: Force Works #1

I think in an odd way Force Works was the Avengers' answer to X-Force. A spin off team that acted more proactively, was semi-covert, and a little more morally questionable. Force Works was made up mostly of former West Coast Avengers (which had recently broken up). The team consisted of U.S. Agent in a crappy new costume (more on that later), Scarlet Witch in a slutty new costume, Spider-woman II, Wonder Man, and Iron Man.

This issue starts with Iron Man attempting to form this new team, in which we do get some pretty good character moments. And then the Kree show up and the team battle them, during which Wonder Man is killed and we are introduced to Century, a character so boring I can't even pretend to care long enough to explain him. He would later take Wonder Man's place on the team.

I suppose this book had potential but every issue I've read fell flat with me. Take this issue, the antagonists are boring, the new character introduced is boring and the art is ugly. There are so many needless lines on people's faces they all look like they're in their 90's. This guy took a page from the Liefeld book on drawing faces.

Now as promised let's take a moment to talk about U.S.Agent's costume in this. Marvel is different from DC in that Marvel usually doesn't do sidekicks. But what Marvel was big on, especially in the 90's, was a sorta spin off character. I don't know exactly what you would call this derivative sort of character, it's not really a 'sidekick' they usually don't partner with the root character, they tend to go off into their own adventures, sometimes even their own book. They usually follow the pattern of taking over for the hero during a time of absence, death, injury, whatever, then when the hero returns they are given their own similar identity. Iron Man gave us War Machine, Thor gave us Thunderstrike, Ghost Rider gave us Vengeance and Captain America gave us U.S.Agent. In some ways U.S.Agent was the more interesting of the knock off characters. He had a much different outlook from Cap. Where as Cap was much more loyal to the ideals of freedom and human liberty, than to the government or country itself, U.S. Agent is a patriot in the strictest sense. America first last and only, right or wrong. If Cap were Ron Paul, Agent would be Sean Hannity (except unlike Hannity, Agent isn't a coward). Maybe it was because of the difference in outlook but Marvel seemed to want to take U.S.Agent further and further from Cap visually, I don't know why. Sort of seems like it defeats the purpose of the derivative character being able to cash in on the success of the main character. U.S.Agent started looking like this:

Alright so he's different enough from Cap to be his own character but similar enough to clearly be a spin off. But then for Force Works #1 he gets this crappy costume.

Ugh. This sucks. It's just boring. A few years later Marvel would bring U.S.Agent back as a guy who hunted down illegal aliens. Literally, he hunted down space aliens who were in the United States illegally. It's actually an interesting concept but I felt like the execution left a little to be desired. Plus it didn't help that this was his new look.

In some ways this is pretty close to his original costume, same basic chest design and all. But then we give him an Eagle shield, a light saber night stick and worst of all Judge Dredd's helmet. Marvel seemed bound and determined for a couple years to make this character as different from Cap in appearance as possible despite that sort of being the point to him. They finally brought him back to his original costume, more or less.

So enough of this tangent, getting back to Force Works, is it worth reading? Well if you find it in a dollar bin sure. Other then that I would probably pass. If you want a covert Avengers team done right check out Secret Avengers. It might have it's flaws but it's leaps and bounds above Force Works.

The Batman shooting last night.

By now I'm sure you heard about the madman who opened fire on a Midnight showing of Dark Knight Rises. Many people are shocked when they hear about stuff like this, but given the dark streaks in human nature, and the sheer number of people alive right now, I'm honestly surprised this kind of thing doesn't happen far more often.

A lot of people will be talking about this so I only have a couple of thoughts to add to the discussion. First of all to all you people who think the answer to this sort of thing is 'gun control' I would argue one brave competent man with a concealed carry permit would have been all it would have took to prevent 12 innocent people from dieing.

And also, many of you saw Dark Knight Rises last night, maybe you got irritated with the lines, or the crowds, maybe the popcorn was stale, maybe the soda was flat, and maybe that put you in a pissy mood but hopefully the news this morning reminded you how much you have to be thankful for.

Wednesday, July 18, 2012

Review of the week: Captain Marvel #1.

I had such high hopes for this. I really like Carol Danvers. I thought the Mr Marvel series from a few years back was one of the best ongoing series to come out of the last decade. This however, well there's just a lot wrong with it. For one thing we see Carol in her new costume and lesbian haircut with no explanation given for her new look. Captain America suggests she should start calling herself Captain Marvel and much of this issue is her deciding whether or not to do that. And the art. Well first of all it's dark style doesn't fit the tone of the character or this story. And it's just sloppy and full of mistakes. Check out this panel for instance:

Where is her star embalm in the center of her chest? It's just suddenly gone in this panel. And don't even get me started on her ever changing hair length throughout this issue. And you know what else bugs me? This obviously takes place after Avengers vs X-men. You shouldn't be releasing books that take place after AvX until AvX is done. This is a major flaw in the big comics events over the last few years. Remember how long Civil War dragged on due to delays? An event should hit hard and fast and be over in a hurry. If its a mini series it should be weekly. Remember Onslaught? It was building up and building up slowly, first in the X-men books, then when it was ready to spill into other books it touched like every book in the Marvel U for a month or two then there was the Onslaught: Marvel Universe one shot and then the next week we had the aftermath. Because there was such a sharp divide between pre and post Onslaught Marvel there were no books that took place after Onslaught on the shelves before Onslaught wrapped up. AvX is doing a good job of moving fast and staying on schedule, but it should be weekly not bi-weekly. And also Marvel is releasing too much info on post AvX books. Come on Marvel stop giving away bits of the ending.

So was this a bad book? Well, it wasn't complete crap, but it was pretty damn weak. Frankly if your interested in the character your better off checking out trades of the previous Ms. Marvel series.

Tuesday, July 17, 2012

Rush Limbaugh thinks new Batman movie is anti Romney.

Thank you Rush for alerting us to the obvious left wing propaganda. You see the villain in the new Batman movie is called Bane. And that sounds like Bain Capitol, a company Romney used to be involved in that the left is claiming destroyed people's jobs because the left doesn't understand economics. So clearly this villain is only in this movie to remind people about this Romney 'scandal'. Because see Bane sounds like Bain. I mean yeah sure Bane was first introduced in the comics in 1993, and this movie has been in production long before Romney was the nominee, and this isn't even the first Batman movie to have Bane in it (although the less said about that the better) still this is clearly a smear job on Romney.

Rush, as someone who does hope Obama loses in November I'm asking you, please, do a little research before you spout the fuck off. You have a whole staff of people working for you have one of them fire up Wikipedia before the show. I know you have 3 hours a day to fill but just a touch more effort would be nice. I mean for fuck's sake man fucking think before you open your pie/pill hole. Please.

Obama to business owners: You didn't build that. Somebody else made that happen.

If you were successful, somebody along the line gave you some help. There was a great teacher somewhere in your life. Somebody helped to create this unbelievable American system that we have that allowed you to thrive. Somebody invested in roads and bridges. If you’ve got a business — you didn’t build that. Somebody else made that happen.

Alright so this little tidbit came from a speech this socialist weasel gave in Roanoke VA recently. Once again our President shows how little he understands about economics and really human nature in general. I really shouldn't have to explain the flaw in this sort of socialist bullshit but I'm sure to some of you I need to. So lets examine this. In one sense I suppose the President is right. I didn't build this country and neither did you. We were all born into a pre-existing society. Not only that but a society that despite it's flaws was the most prosperous and free society on Earth. We did nothing to make that happen we simply inherited it. So in one sense we do all stand on the shoulders of those that came before us. And we are all inter connected. If I open a business it is only successful because people have the money to buy what I am selling. And I am only successful if there are already businesses out there to provide me with the goods and services I need to run my business and so on and so on. But does that mean if I start a business I owe society for my success? Well yes, but my success in and of itself pays society back. By being successful, starting a business, or even just simply being a functioning member of society I help perpetuate said society. A small business owner is already 'giving back' by nature of the people he hires, the demand he creates within the economy etc etc.

Obama, and liberals in general seem to believe that if you become successful it is because you have taken from others. I think Obama believes that because for Obama and those like him it is true. Obama truly owes his success to others. He has never had a private sector job in his life. All public sector shit. And the public sector does not produce anything. Everything it has is taken from the taxpayers. So Obama it is true you sure as fuck didn't get where you are on your own. Doesn't mean the rest of us are as parasitic as you.

If you own a business, or if you even just work for a living, you have no business voting for this socialist Chicago gangster.

Retro Review: Total Justice #1

Whenever there is a movie, cartoon, or even toy line based on a comic, it seems the natural urge on the part of these companies is to make a comic based on that cartoon, movie, toy, whatever. The most extreme example of this I've ever seen was in 2009 when Marvel released its Super Hero Squad comic, a comic book based on a cartoon based on a toy line based on a comic book. On the one hand these tie in comics exist to make money, as ultimately all comic books, indeed all media does. But these comic books also supposedly exist with the hope of turning kids interested in said cartoon or toys into comic book fans. And so we had Total Justice, based on the Kenner toy line of the same name.

The story is that Green Lantern (Kyle Rayner) and Flash (Wally West) are investigating a distress signal from a deserted island. When they get to the island they find they both lose their powers. Meanwhile Tim Drake, AKA Robin is sailing with his dad near this island when the boat is attacked by a Parademon, one of Darksieds stormtroopers. Tim manages to kill it by stabbing it with a pen. Yes, a pen. In the chaos though Tim's father has ended up missing. Aquaman shows up on the island and he still has his powers. He tells Flash and Green Lantern to stay put while he recons the perimeter of the island. Then we cut to a group of JLAers planning on heading to this island with it's mysterious nullification field. Batman tells them how stupid that would be since any of them could lose their powers when they get there. But back to the island and a powerless Flash and GL are attacked by a Parademon which Tim Drake in a very shitty makeshift Robin costume saves them from. And that's about it.

OK where to begin? Well the writing is kinda bad. Not awful but not good. The dialogue is especially bad. This is from the time when Wally West really hated Kyle Rayner. When approaching the island Kyle says this better be good he's missing Baywatch to which we get Wally's narration of "Baywatch--Slow Death. This new 'Lemon Scented' GL--Painfully Slow Death" Wow. Wally West narrating like he's in a poor man's version of Sin City-----Excruciatingly painfully slow death. Also the art is pretty, well I guess sloppy is the best way I can describe it. Take a look at this panel.

See what I mean. And look at Superman's Rastafarian hair cut there. Also interesting side note the woman dressed in purple sitting down and the guy nest to her, that's an in-continuity post crisis version of the Wonder Twins from SuperFriends. Yeah. That existed.

So do you think any kids who bought the toy line and then picked up this comic book actually became a comic book fan as a result? We had Flash and Green Lantern devoid of powers and Robin devoid of costume. Did this really showcase to new readers why these characters are cool? I don't think so. As I said it's a natural urge to make these tie-in comics but it's one that should probably be ignored. If the movies, toys, cartoons etc are well made and kids want to get into comics they will probably just buy some Batman, Superman, or JLA comics. I really never thought we needed these 'bridges'. But maybe that's just me.

Oh and in case you were wondering, here is Robin's makeshift desert island costume:

Monday, July 16, 2012

Sonic/Mega Man crossover confirmed.

So it's official, Archie will be doing a Sonic/Mega Man crossover. This was announced a few days ago but I only just now saw it. Rather then do this in a one-shot or mini series it will be a 12 part story running through Mega Man, Sonic the Hedgehog, and Sonic Universe. And to make it even better Patrick “Spaz” Spaziante will be doing the art. I can't even make jokes about this, hearing this makes the old cynical nerd in me vanish and all that's left is the kid in me. And the kid in me is fucking amped.

A few weeks ago I made a list of the top 5 comic crossovers I want to see and this was number 2. And now here we are and it's official. So maybe there's hope yet for Ghost Rider vs Pinhead.

Yeah, your right, probably not.

The beginning of the end for Daniel Tosh.

I love Tosh. He's one of the best comedians out there and Tosh.0 is one of my favorite shows. But he's finished. By now you probably heard about how Tosh made a rape joke about an audience member at a comedy club. Now call me crazy but I for one think if you go into a comedy club you have no right to be offended that there are jokes made in there. But this is the beginning of the end for Tosh, not because he made that joke but because he made the dumbest follow up move he possibly could: he apologized.

This man has made his name and his millions making jokes about race, religion, shit he even loves to joke about fucking abortion. So the moment a guy like this backs down from the PC police he is finished. It's only a matter of time. Don't believe me that he started down the slippery slope? It's now being reported he's scrubbing rape jokes out of the pilot for his new animated show on Comedy Central. Hmmm massive rewrite this close to a scheduled premier? Yeah that won't end badly.

You can't give in to these PC ass wipes. You just can't. They can not be negotiated with. If you don't fit into their little box they will either destroy you or neuter you until you do. Tosh should have told these femicunt bitches to calm down, take some Midol, and shut the fuck up. But he didn't. He gave into their demands. Maybe he thought that would shut them up. But it won't. Appeasement doesn't work with these kinds of people. Standing your ground is the only chance you have against them. But Tosh backed down and unless he regains his testicular fortitude, and fast, he is finished.

Goodbye Daniel, you will be missed.

Sunday, July 15, 2012

Bechtloff Book Club: Fifty Shades of Grey

I know this might sound snobbish of me but I generally steer clear of extremely popular fiction books. My taste in reading is a little more eclectic than most people. I mean sure there are some gems among the best sellers, but for every Harry Potter or Hunger Games there seems to be a dozen idiotic pieces of shit like Da Vinci Code or Twilight. Usually if a book is a cultural phenomenon its probably because its lowest common denominator. Or put another way if a book is on sale at Walmart or Target I probably don't want to read it. So at first I had very little interest in this Story of O rip off.

But I kept hearing how extreme and controversial this was. In fact about a week ago a close friend told me his wife read it and was grossed out by it. I thought "Wow this thing must be really gnarly" So as curiosity got the best of me I picked up a copy. On sale at Target no less. The book follows our main character Anastasia Steele as she becomes entangled in a love affair with wealthy business man Christian Grey. However Grey's sexual tastes are for BDSM. He basically wants more of a slave than a girlfriend. So we go through constant ups and downs of her being shocked, then turned on, shocked, then turned on, shocked, then turned on, ect ect. Oh and the main character, Anastasia, is incredibly bland and boring. I suppose the author did that so the women reading this can super impose themselves on top of her for their masturbatory fantasises. Despite her lack of personality Grey, for whatever reason, is fascinated with this girl and more and more she morphs into a girlfriend as well as potential sex slave for him.

Now before I get to the meat of my review I have to say I can't imagine why anyone would be offended or outraged by this book. The most kinky think that seems to happen is he spanks her. Big fucking deal.

Alright that said this book in incredibly repetitive and derivative. It is essentially the exact same story you see in any romance novel with Fabio on the cover dressed like a pirate. Girl falls for bad boy and girl goes back and forth between outrage and arousal. Basically her mind and pussy duke it out. Hell this book is even complete with not one but two 'nice guys' who she knows she probably should love but just don't make her vagina tingle like Mr Bad Boy.

Now, I suppose it's an entertaining enough book. Aside from Anastasia pretty much all the characters are interesting. And there were actually some genuinely moving parts. And as derivative and predictable as it was the downer ending was actually a surprise. Although now that I think about it, the book is meant to be part one of a trilogy so I suppose the downer ended exists merely to set up the conflict for the next book. So was it worth the $10 I paid for it? Yeah, I guess, I've certainly wasted $10 on worse things. Will I finish the trilogy? Ehh probably not.

I can't say I hated this book, and if your looking for a romance novel you could certainly do worse. But I wouldn't really recommend it either.

Saturday, July 14, 2012

So Guardians of the Galaxy? Really?

In what was one of the worst kept secrets in San Diego Comic Con history Marvel announced it's mystery movie for 2014 will indeed be Guardians of the Galaxy. Not Dr Strange, not Luke Cage and Iron Fist, not even Namor. Guardians of the Galaxy. Wow. Oh well, as much as I mock this odd choice for a movie, it's not like I won't be there opening weekend.

Also of interest Marvel announced the Ant-Man movie is official, the subtitle for Cap 2 is Winter Soldier ( I knew they were setting up for that in the first movie), the subtitle for Thor 2 is The Dark World, and Ben Kingsley will indeed play the Mandarin in Iron Man 3.

DC really needs to get it's act together on movies (of course DC also needs to fix this aborted mess that is the New 52 but that's a different topic) think about it, if all goes according to plan it looks like Rocket Raccoon will be on the big screen before Wonder Woman or Flash.

At this rate we'll get a Darkhawk movie before we get Justice League.

Friday, July 13, 2012

You can call it the Sir Robin Medal.

The Pentagon is looking into giving medals to drone pilots. Because we absolutely must recognize the bravery of a man who sits in front of a computer screen and kills people from the up close and personal distance of a hemisphere away. No this doesn't cheapen the medals given to solders who were in actual danger in actual combat. Never forget these drone pilots face the specter of possible carpal tunnel syndrome every day. So when coming up with the design of this medal I suggest we somehow manage to combine these two images.
Of course I'm just spitballing ideas here.

Thursday, July 12, 2012

How to be a sniper. By Rob Liefeld

First of all you want to make sure your, ummm, I guess that's a hot glue gun? Anyways whatever the fuck that is you want to make sure it's clean and in working order before you even head out. Now as you position yourself by the railing in a crowded mall where no body will notice you and there are of course no witnesses, awkwardly sorta aim your pile of bullshit you call a gun at your target. Don't forget to hold up your other hand and give a thumbs up. Now tightly shut both your eyes and place the scope directly between them.

Alright now take the shot.

This and other useful information can be found in Youngblood #1. Now on sale in a dollar bin near you.

The Amazing Spider-Douche?

Over at The Null Zone Cameron poses a few interesting questions.

For years, people have complained that One More Day was an out of character moment for Peter. I've heard people say it made him look irresponsible or immature or even kind of douchey. All kinds of things like this.

Out comes The Amazing Spider-Man, wherein Peter is immature, irresponsible and a douche and stays that way even after the film ends...and fans (longtime fans, at that) are defending this lack of (or just bad) character development by saying that's how the character has always been.

So if that's the case, how was it unbelievable that Peter would selfishly make a deal with the devil to safe his aunt and give up his marriage in return? Because if TASM's portrayal is true to the character, I could see this guy making that deal.

This is a pretty multi faceted series of questions and deserves some equally multi faceted answers. I will do my best here to defend my favorite super hero in the face of the indefensible. First of all, not only do I believe Peter was out of character in OMD, but also Mary Jane and even Mephisto were completely off character in that. One More Day might have been the worse thing Marvel ever did, and remember this is a company that gave us this.

 Now as for the new Amazing Spider-man movie, Cameron is totally right. Peter is a douche when the film starts, he's a douche when the film ends. The theme of responsibility is incredibly downplayed in this movie. Even the death of Uncle Ben never seems to inspire a sense of 'lesson learned' on Peter's part. It inspires a need to find the killer and take revenge, but that's far from the real moral behind Spider-man's origin. Peter is no real different at the end of the movie as opposed to the beginning. So I would say that TASM is NOT a true portrayal of Peter's character.

So why are so many fans saying it is more true than the Sam Raimi 2002 film? Because I am hearing this from some fans as well. This is largely speculation on my part but I think it's because Amazing is truer to Spider-man in superficial ways. The jokes, the way he moved in fight scenes, the inclusion of the Stacys, the mechanical webshooters, visually and superficially this is definitely truer to the source material then the Raimi films, which as I discussed in an earlier post were pretty piss poor visually. But while Amazing might have been visually stronger it completely missed the heart and soul of the character. I mean seriously, how can you tell Spider-man's origin without the famous phrase With great power, must come great responsibility?

So is Spider-man a douche? Well this new movie seems to think so. Joe Quasada seemed to think so when he gave us OMD. Many of the writers on Spidey post OMD seemed to think so as well. But to me Spidey you'll always be the man with a great sense of responsibility I remember reading about.

Wednesday, July 11, 2012

Review of the week: Spider-men #3

For my reviews of issues one and two click here and here. So this issue starts out with Miles and Peter being confronted by Ultimate Mysterio who is responsible (apparently) for this whole inter dimensional mess. After our Spider-men fight their way through illusions of their respective rouges galleries. They defeat Mysterio, or rather the remote control Mysterio robot he was piloting from a safe location and of course it explodes. Miles wakes up to find the Ultimates there. Peter however isn't sure if this Ultimate universe is real or just some of his Mysterio's typical bullshit. So he goes to find his apartment which is a store front here and borrows the store owners iPad to surf the net. He find info on Ultimate Spider-man and his death and seeks out Ultimate Universe's Aunt May. He finds May and Gwen and they figure he is just some asshole mocking her nephew until he unmasks and the last panel is their shocked expressions.

There isn't much I can say here that I haven't said about the last two issues. If you enjoy Ultimate Spider-man either before or after Peter's death you will probably like this series.

Tuesday, July 10, 2012

I hate the Amish.

Holy fucking shit do I hate the Amish. I live near these smelly backwards fucking morons and they are annoying as shit. I like to call them Flathatters, number one because my grandfather used to call them that, God rest his cranky soul, and number two there isn't really a derogatory term for these fuckers. It kinda amazes me they don't their version of the N-word. I mean they are smelly, backwards, weird and annoying. If that's not a good enough reason to hate a group I don't know what is. The only thing worse then being stuck behind a fucking Amish buggy is being stuck behind a jackass tourist from New York who is behind an Amish buggy and won't fucking go around because he finds this so insanely fucking fascinating.

Now a lot of you, probably people who DON'T live near these weirdos, are saying "How can you hate the Amish? They're so gentle and nice and quaint. I know so because I have Witness on DVD." If being fucking backwards and dressing funny is 'quaint' you must also think the KKK is quaint. But you know what, I'm not going to explain what the fuck is wrong with their culture and beliefs, because if you can't see it I don't know how to explain it to you. So lets put aside the merits of thinking God hates flush toilets for a minute and just look at my main fucking beef with these idiots. The fucking buggies.

In order for me to have the privilege of operating my vehicle on the public roads I must get it inspected for safety and emissions, prove to a government employee I am capable of safely operating it, and registering the vehicle with my state government. I must do all this at expense to me. Also I pay gas taxes to maintain the roads I use. An Amish mother fucker buys a fucking orange triangle at the hardware store. There is no licence needed to operate these things, I see kids that look like they're 10 behind the reigns. They don't pay gas taxes that maintain the roads (for obvious reasons) yet their stupid backwards steel wheels fuck the roads up worse then any set of snow tires (which I might add are illegal except in the winter months). Oh and one more thing if my dog shits when I'm walking him I can get a fine for not cleaning it up but horse shit is fucking fine? And can you really look me in the eyes and say with modern traffic levels a fucking buggy isn't hazardous and an accident waiting to happen?

Now look, politically I am as live and let live as you will ever get this side of an anarchist. If you want to dress like a moron, avoid technology, and shun personal hygiene all in an attempt to impress a God who is probably laughing at your dumb ass you be my fucking guest. But the public roads, that's a different thing. The public roads are inescapably communal. You want to be an idiot in your own house go a head, but the fucking roads need to be for cars. If the Amish had to pay taxes that went to the roads, had to be licenced to operate their buggies, get them inspected and put a licence plate on the back then maybe it would be different. It would still be an idiotic hazard, but at least it would be fair. No, you know what I changed my mind. This is the year 2012 we should have flying cars by now not buggies. Get that stupid shit off the road.

Fucking Flathatters.

Monday, July 9, 2012

Cop still employed after convicted of assault.

So this Rhode Island pig Edward Krawetz was just convicted of assault after he kicked this unarmed hand cuffed woman in the face. He was sentenced to ten years in jail but because he's a cop the judge suspended his sentence and he did not spend one mother fucking day in jail. Never fucking forget people cops are above the law. Now this is another example of how ass backwards we are. He should not have gotten less punishment because he's a cop he should have gotten MORE. Cops wield a lot of power and MUST be held to a higher standard. This shit bag should right now be spending the rest of his life in prison servicing his cell mates. Oh and he already had a conviction for assaulting a jogger.

And you want to know the most fucked up part of this? He hasn't been fired yet. Because it takes the government so fucking long to fire an employee this mother fucker is still collecting benefits paid for by the very community he was terrorizing. Frankly I wouldn't be surprised if once the media firestorm dies down they just put him back on active duty. There is no accountability with these fucking pigs anymore, why should we be surprised they are out of control? If you give somebody a gun, a badge, and virtual immunity to consequences what do you fucking think will happen?

Here's the thin blue line that supposedly protects us people. Don't you feel oh so safe?

Sunday, July 8, 2012

My top 10 most underrated comic book movies

There have been a lot of comic book movies, especially in the last 10-15 years. Some have been critical and commercial successes and some, well, some have been smoking craters. But there are some I feel have been shit on way too much. Now this is just my list. Some of these I feel are very good movies and I genuinely do not understand why they are not liked. Most of these though, I get why people don't like them, but I still feel like they are shit on too much. I'm sure a lot of you readers probably hate most of what's on this list, but I'm also sure there is at least one movie you really love that everybody else seems to hate so maybe you can relate to what I'm feeling here. And maybe this will get you to take a second look at some of these movies and maybe just maybe see something you missed the first time. If not, hey fine, this is just my not so humble opinion after all. So here we go.

10) Supergirl (1984). Now I sorta only included this one in fairness. Yeah I think it's a shitty movie and no I don't particularly like it, even in a guilty pleasure sorta way (although I do own it, what can I say, I'm a comic book nerd) but it still does technically qualify as underrated in my eyes simply because this movie is almost universally sneered at, while the Reeve's Superman movies which it was a spin off of, are almost universally celebrated and I can not for the life of me see how this movie is really that much worse. I'm sorry, but the Christopher Reeve's Superman movies sucked. As I said in an earlier post they are full of random nonsensical bullshit. The saran wrap 'S' in Superman II being the most infamous example. So without getting too far into the merits of the Reeve's Superman movies here, let me just say this, if you liked the Christopher Reeve's Superman movies you should probably give Supergirl another shot. Its pretty much the same thing. But with boobs, and therefore maybe even better.

9) Daredevil (2003). I can't really talk about this movie without first talking about Ben Afleck. Everyone wants to hop on the 'Fuck Ben Afleck' band wagon and in one sense I can't blame them. The man has been in some shitty movies and given some shitty phoned in performances. But to me there are two Ben Aflecks, the "I don't give a shit I'm just cashing a check" Ben, and the " I actually care about this project" Ben. The first Ben tends to show up in shit like Armageddon or Pearl Harbor, the second Ben shows up in things like Changing Lanes (which if you haven't seen you should). We got the second, "actually cares" Ben for this. Afleck has said before he has a deep love for this character, but most people just see Afleck and write this movie off. A lot of other things I thought really worked well in this movie. Colin Farrell was a great Bullseye and Michael Clarke Duncan was great as the Kingpin. To me there was only one major flaw to this movie, but it was kind of a fatal flaw. Jennifer Garner as Elektra. First of all Garner can't act. At all. I have seen better acting from Saved by the Bell: The New Class. Shit, I've seen better acting in porn. And Garner is no where near attractive enough to make up for her terrible acting. I've never understood her appeal as a sex symbol at all. I mean look at her face, Bruce Campbell doesn't have that strong of a chin. Also I never though Elektra was a very interesting character to begin with. For a love interest Karen Page would have worked much better and if you needed a femme fatale Typhoid Mary is way more interesting then Elektra ever was.

8) Fantastic Four (2005) Now I'm not saying this was a great movie, I'm just saying I didn't really think it was a bad movie. It had a lot going for it. I thought Ioan Gruffudd was a great Reed. And Michael Chiklis absolutely nailed it as Ben Grimm. Chris Evans was a pretty good Torch (although he turned out to be a far better Captain America) and even Jessica Alba was doing a pretty decent job as far as acting, at least as good we could hope from her (unlike Jennifer Garner I think Alba actually is attractive enough to make up for her poor acting, at least most of the time) To me this movie, much like Daredevil had only one major flaw but again like DD it was a fatal one: Julian McMahon as Doom. First of all getting a shitty actor from an over rated shitty basic cable prime time soap opera to be Doom is mistake number one. But perhaps the bigger mistake is how toned down and just lame Doom is in this movie. Dr Doom is like THE number one Marvel villain in my mind. He's a master of basically every science, built his own Iron Man like armor, is an accomplished sorcerer, and even runs his own mother fucking country. This Doom has metal skin, electric powers and his own office building. A story is only as good as it's antagonist and this villain sucked a fat dick. But again if you would have had a more proper Dr Doom you would have had a damn good movie. As it stands, if this is on TV I'll usually watch it.

7) Superman Returns (2006) There's a lot I don't like about this movie. I don't like the idea that Superman knocked up Lois then decided to split town. I don't like the fact that even though Kryptonite is Superman's weakness he still manages to fly a fucking island made of the stuff into space. And I don't like it being sorta a sequel to the Reeve's movies and sorta not. Either start over or don't. I do however like pretty much the entire cast of this movie, especially Kevin Spacey as Luthor. Spacey nailed it. Every time Spacey was on screen I was loving that movie. His rants, his interactions with his girlfriend and henchmen, and of course when he fucking shanked Superman with a shard of Kryptonite. Fucking gansta. This movie might have had it flaws but I still content it's by far the best Superman movie to date.

6) Spider-man 3 (2007) I'm not gonna talk about the character designs in this movie, I already talked about that in greater detail in an earlier post. Suffice to say aside from Sandman I didn't much care for them. Now I agree this is by far the weakest of Spider-man movies. There is a lot I didn't like here. But there was a lot I did like. While the black costume looked terrible, Venom looked pretty solid. Sandman was very interesting even if I didn't like making him Uncle Ben's real killer. The scene where Sandman puts himself together after the accident, that was incredible. I also like how in the beginning of the film Spider-man is very popular in the city and Peter is up his own ass about it, to the point where he can't even let MJ talk about problems in her life without steering the conversation back to fucking Spider-man. It's a classic communication problem in a relationship and it felt like real tension rather than forced. I agree this is the weakest of the trilogy but it really doesn't deserve the 'franchise killer' reputation it has.

5) Ghost Rider (2007). I really liked this movie. I don't really know why everyone hated it. Sure it had some plot holes, some silly moments, and a few clumsy character moments, but I would say no more so than the first Spider-man or X-men movies. As far as I can see the main criticism seems to be from people on the 'Fuck Nick Cage' band wagon. I hear things like 'He's too old' as though his age would affect his power. A lot of people don't really give much in the way of specifics other then not liking Nick Cage. I guess he's the kinda actor you either love or hate but I dig the guy. And his over the top style worked very well in this. The dumbest criticism came from a close friend of mine who is firmly in the anti-Cage camp. "He wasn't cocky enough, they should have had a guy like Chris Evans" First of all my friend has a huge boy crush on Evans, but more than that I think it betrayed an ignorance of what kind of character Jonny Blaze is. Just because he's a daredevil stunt man doesn't mean he is a cocky smart ass. He is actually a brooding character and I still contend Cage nailed it. No offense intended to said friend.

4) Sin City (2005) This movie isn't so much criticized as it is ignored. I remember when Brittany Murphy died and all the news stories would list her film credits, I never once heard this mentioned. But what really makes me feel like this movie is officially underrated is that its 'predecessor' and 'cousin' film 300 is way more liked, despite the fact that this movie had way more going for it. It had far more interesting and fleshed out characters, a better story (or stories in Sin City's case) and far better actors. And yet every time I see top 10 lists of comic book movies on sites like Newsaram I alwasy see 300 listed above Sin City, if Sin City even makes the list. Fuck 300.

3) Conan the Barbarian (2011) Why the fuck isn't this liked? We are officially in the part of this list where these are good fucking movies and I can not for the life of my see what people's problems are. If your one of these fucking morons who says "Its not like the Arnold one" then you can go choke on a dick. The Arnold one was fucking stupid. The only saving grace is Arnold's 'acting' is enjoyable in a fun ironic way. This was a proper, true to the source material Conan. Complete with all the violence, the sex, and the just plain bad ass shit of the Robert E Howard stories. I hope they make a dozen fucking Conan movies with this actor. Oh and maybe we can get a proper Red Sonja movie while we're at it with an actress that doesn't look like a fucking transsexual.

2) Punisher: War Zone (2008) This movie fucking rocked. It was truly the Punisher come to life on the big screen, minus all the typical Hollywood bullshit. If you don't like this movie then you simply don't like the Punisher. I hear people say "It was too violent" It was the fucking Punisher, what did you expect? One guy at a comic book shop told me he expected more depth "Look at what they did with Batman in Dark Knight, it didn't have to be mindless violence, they could have told a deep story" No they fucking couldn't. Punisher is not Batman, Batman actually has some depth in the source material. Punisher is a guy who lost his fucking mind and is on a rampage. And that's what this movie was. And you know what? It was fucking fun.

1) Green Lantern (2011) What fucking movie did the critics see? Because the one I saw was fucking amazing. I saw the midnight showing and people stood up and applauded when it was done. Mark Strong was great as Sinestro. Michael Clarke Duncan was great as the voice of Kilowog. And you know what? Ryan Reynolds was a great Hal. Most of the criticisms I've heard are vague but one I hear over and over is from nerds who are mad that Reynolds beat out Nathan Fillion for the role of Hal. Now to all you Firefly fan boys who are still mad about that here's what you should do: form a line outside Nathan's house so you can all take turns sucking his dick that way you can get your fucking boy crush out of your system. Would Fillion have made a good Hal? Probably. But Reynolds got it and Reynolds nailed it. Get the fuck over it.

So there you have it. Maybe I've given you something to think about, maybe I've pissed you off.