Sunday, August 12, 2012

Retro Review: Legend of Zelda #1

Remember when Nintendo shit was EVERYWHERE? Mario and Link had their own cartoons, their own breakfast cereals and of course their own comic books. I used to love the Nintendo cartoons as a kid but having seen some episodes recently I wonder what the fuck was wrong with me. Those cartoons were terrible. The Zelda one was probably the best of the bunch and it was still pretty rough. So is the comic book just as bad? Worse? Not as bad? Eisner Award worthy? Let's find out.

Our book starts with a one page recap of what the deal is with Legend of Zelda. A long time ago there was a Kingdom called Hyrule. There were three triforces, one for wisdom, power, and courage. The evil Ganon stole the power one and uses it to rule an evil army of monsters and just generally be a dick. Zelda is guarding the wisdom one and the courage one is hidden somewhere. Ganon keeps trying to steal the Wisdom one, because again, Ganon is a dick. Alright, everybody on board so far? Let's get to the first of our two stories.

In our first story Link runs up to the King in a panic because Zelda and the wisdom triforce are missing. The King and Link have an exchange that goes more or less like this

Link: Your Majesty, Zelda and the triforce are missing!

King: Yeah, she left with it, said she was gonna take it to a far away land where it could be safe from Ganon.

Link: That's fucking stupid! Where would it be safer then in a big ass castle with a shitload of guards and my bad self protecting it?

King: Yeah I thought so too, but I couldn't stop her. I'm just the King. Anyways Ganon's monsters are hot on her tail by now. But hey whatta ya gonna do ya know?

I'm not kidding, that is pretty much what the King told Link. Look at those two panels. I could not stop her. You're the FUCKING KING! Also he knows there is an army of monsters who will kill, maybe even rape her, (I mean look at that octopus monster in the second panel, you know he's dieing to go all hentia on her). Oh and Ganon will get the second triforce. And the King hasn't sent anyone out to get her back. He's just sitting there like "Oh well". I don't know what the good people in Hyrule pay in taxes to this moron, but they sure as hell aren't getting their money's worth.

So anyways Link catches up with Zelda in time to save her reckless ass and Zelda explains why she feels the need to get the fuck out of dodge. She tells Link Don't you see, you defeat Ganon time and time again, but nothing changes! Ganon only has to win once and he rules Hyrule forever! To be fair to Princess Dumbass that's actually a not a bad point. But that seems like more of a reason why they need to figure out a way to kill Ganon rather then just run away.

Anyways she tells Link in the 5th Palace there is a magical flute that can send her all the way to a far away land. Actually in my experience magical flutes let you take your pick from up to three far away lands.

So Link agrees even though he's sad he will never see her again, let alone get to finally bang her. But he's convinced she's right and this is for the best. Actually he really doesn't agree with her at all, he's just pretty much Zelda's pussy whipped bitch and he ultimately does whatever the fuck she says. Also of note, there was an interesting fuck up I noticed. When Link catches up to Zelda the narration box says shes In the Midoro Swamp, East of Saria. But according to the Map of Hyrule in this comic the Midoro Swamp is pretty much dead North of Saria. Might be a nitpick, but if you're going to include a map in your comic book you could at least not contradict that map a few pages later.

So getting back to the story, the two make it to the 5th Palace and Link gets the magic flute for Zelda. But she changes her mind and decides she doesn't need it, the safest place she can be is with Link. Thanks for wasting everyone's time Princess. Oh and of course she cock teases the poor guy at the end.

You fucking bitch. He went through all that trouble to get you your damn flute, just so you could say "Forget it, I changed my mind" and this is the thanks he gets? He didn't ask to stick it up your butt, he just asked for a kiss. Give the guy a fucking kiss you spoiled twat. Link you need to just hand her that flute right now and tell her "Just fucking go bitch"

There's another story in here. It's just as full of plot holes and mediocre art as the first, but it's fucking boring and I really don't even feel like reviewing it. One thing in this book I thought was bad ass was the map of Hyrule. It's sort of rough versions of the maps from the first two games put together.

So that's Legend of Zelda #1. It actually wasn't as bad as I thought. It was pretty amateurish but it had it's moments. You know, if Nintendo had any fucking brains, which it seems like they don't lately, they would hand this licence off to Archie. Look at the success Sega and Capcom have had dealing with Archie. This would be an amazing comic book under those guys.

Now if you'll excuse me, I suddenly feel like digging my Zelda collection for the game cube out and popping it into my Wii.

1 comment:

  1. It seems like she is always teasing Link with not getting a kiss and stuff. It's really annoying. She even did it in the Skyward sward too that I've heard. Is she his sister or what? If I was Link I would want to know that first before trying to get somewhere (which he prob will never) with the princess.