Friday, October 26, 2012

Bechtloff Movie Night: Signs (2002)

Oh M. Night Shyamalan, what the fuck happened to you? You started out so strong but your movies just kept getting worse with each one. To me this was the first one he did that flat out sucked.

The story here follows Mel Gibson's character, a former Reverend who lost his faith after his wife died in a senseless car accident. He lives in a farm house with his two kids and his brother. And then aliens attack. When one of the aliens has him and his family cornered in his house he remembers the dieing words of his wife, which at the time seemed to make no sense. She told him to tell his brother to 'keep swinging'. So he tells his brother to swing the baseball bat at the glasses of water laying around the house. Why are there glasses of water everywhere? His daughter keeps starting glasses of water and leaving them everywhere. Also he heard the aliens don't like water. See how all these seemingly unrelated things come together to save his family? He concludes that must be divine providence and reclaims his faith. Yay.

This is one of those movies I kinda liked the first time I saw it. Shyamalan is a damn good director and can suck you into even a pretty weak story. And I found the elements of faith interesting. But it is just so fucking full of holes. I'm not gonna spend much time talking about how the technologically advanced aliens can't fucking open doors. Nostalgia Critic did a pretty good job ripping on that in his Signs review. But let's look at their weakness for a moment. Water.

Yes, fucking water is a deadly poison to them. And they are walking around on this planet bare ass naked. Now maybe in their culture they don't have clothes. Fair enough. But let me ask this, if there was a planet where there was mercury everywhere, where every living thing on it was made of mostly mercury, where there were lakes, rivers, and vast fucking oceans of mercury covering most of the surface of this planet, and where sometimes mercury fell from the fucking sky, would you walk around with zero protective gear? Of course you fucking wouldn't.

And what the fuck could these aliens possibly want here? They can't eat us or any other living thing here. They would be fucking morons to want to try to colonize this planet. What did they want? Was it some sort of mineral or resource here? If so you think with their technology they could have just fucking taken it without us even knowing they were even here. What was with their retarded half ass attempt at waging a war?

That is only the biggest plot hole with this movie, but it fails on many more levels. I'm a man of faith and even I thought the whole resolution of "God working in mysterious ways" just felt incredibly silly and forced. Many of the horror themed movies I've looked at this month I feel are very underrated, this piece of shit however is completely overrated.

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