Sunday, December 16, 2012

Bechtloff Movie Night: Fireproof (2008)

I caught a little bit of this on TV the other day and saw some just horrendous acting. I mean just awful. Being a church goin guy I heard about this when it first came out but never bothered to see it. A Christian movie starring Kirk Cameron about a fireman who's marriage is crumbling, and let me tell you, this was all the rage in Christian circles at the time. This is from Sherwood Pictures. You see one day a Church decided to get some money scrapped together and make movies. And thus was born Sherwood Pictures. Facing the Giants was one from them you may have heard of. Anyways after seeing five minutes of the horrible acting I thought "I should review this" So I called up some people at my church to see if anyone had a copy I could borrow because I sure wasn't going to buy a copy of this piece of shit.

Kirk Cameron plays a fireman who has to come home to a bitchy wife. She hates the fact that he's never around, apparently it didn't occur to her when she married him that firemen tend to have demanding schedules. Also he's taking some of his money each check and saving up for a boat. That son of a bitch. They fight and scream and she announces she wants a divorce and he's like "Fine whatever bitch". They get divorced and then we cut to Kirk 6 months later enjoying his day off on his brand new boat finally free of that terrible terrible woman. The end.

OK, that's not what happened, that's merely the ending I found myself rooting for. I'm not fucking kidding, this wife character is just awful and somehow this movie expects me to find her sympathetic. Anyways she says she wants a divorce and then later we cut to scenes of Cameron's character getting advise from his dad and his best friend at the fire station, both Christians. Anyways Kirks dad gives him something called the 40 Day Love Dare. This is an actual self help Christian save your marriage book. In fact this movie is kinda a very well produced infomercial for that book. This might just be the first infomercial to get a theatrical release.

Anyways the Love Dare program is basically doing at least one nice thing for your spouse a day to win them back. So Cameron goes through this, reluctantly at first. But then his dad preaches to him and he becomes a Christian and puts more heart into the Love Dare program. Not that it matters though, his cunt wife keeps spitting every nice gesture back into his face. Eventually though it does win her over, she becomes a Christian too and they renew their vows.

Alright, let me first talk about the relatively minor flaws, then I'll get to the fatal flaw. This movie is made by a very armature studio. Kirk Cameron is the only person in this who is any kind of a professional when it comes to making movies. Everyone else is actors the studio recruited from the church it spawned out of or volunteers. If it's a minor part, with only one scene and a couple of lines it's probably a volunteer and boy does it show. To call it bad acting doesn't begin describe it at times. Also there were some very odd choices regarding what this movie spends time on. For example at one point we cut to a scene with two cars at a stop sign right next to each other. The group of teenagers in one car are talking to the group in the other car. We've never seen ANY of these characters before. As they're rambling on I just found myself thing "Who the fuck are they? What the fuck are they talking about? And why the fuck should I care?" They decide to race and we cut back to the fire station. A few minutes later there is an alarm and the Cameron and his fellow fire fighters are called to scene of the wreckage. One car in on a train track and they have to get them before the train comes. It's a decent enough scene but did I really need to know they were racing? Now on the other hand Cameron's wife works at a hospital and is flirting with a doctor there. At one point during this we pan over to some old nurse looking at this all pissed off. Then we don't see her for like 30 fucking minutes or so until she sits down in the hospital lunch room to deliver important "Don't leave your husband" advice to the wife. So we couldn't have established a character who delivers important advice but I needed to know those kids were racing to further establish a scene that has no real bearing on the plot other than to remind me that firemen save people.

But you know what, with a movie made by a church that's mostly volunteers, I could forgive all those amateurish flaws. In fact you kinda expect it. Like I said other then Cameron there are no professionals working on this. But the biggest problem is the wife is an absolute cunt. The audience is meant to feel so much sympathy for this poor put upon neglected wife when she is guilty of EVERYTHING Cameron's character is to an equal or greater extent. She bitches he never does anything around the house. He's fucking busy. He has a demanding job, is at the station for days at a time, and just wants to kick back a little when he gets home. Should he help out more? Probably. But she should also make sure there is some damn food in the fridge when he gets home. And the biggest area where we are meant to see Cameron's character as a shit bag is he looks at dirty pictures on the Internet. I say 'looks' because he doesn't seem to actually masturbate to them. His wife catches him and he's just staring at the computer screen like it's a magic eye poster. Doesn't even have his belt undone. Now OK fine, he probably shouldn't be doing that, but she's at the hospital damn near ready to hop on Doctor Whoever's cock. I'm sorry but isn't getting ready to start an affair a little worse than looking at a picture?

As I'm watching this, seeing her take every nice gesture of his and telling this poor guy to basically shove it up his ass I found myself thinking "OK I guess what we're going for is he's doing the right thing in spite of her. He's doing the very Christian thing of not returning evil for evil" But no, at the end he begs forgiveness and she forgives him, offering no apology of her own. What. The. FUCK?!

Also I don't know how helpful this Love Dare stuff would really be. I mean some of it is good but a lot of this White Knight bullshit would most likely come across as ass kissing groveling and make you seem like a neutered little beta male, and that's not gonna make her fall in love with you all over again.

This movie had it's moments but for the most part it was a poorly written, poorly acted, poorly paced infomercial for a questionable marriage saving system. Also it's nearly two fucking hours long. It's amazing how much time this movie wastes on characters and sub plots that go nowhere, have nothing to do with the main plot, and are for the most part completely uninteresting.

Honestly what has happened to Christendom? How did we go from story tellers like Tolkien and C.S. Lewis to fucking Fireproof?

1 comment:

  1. When I grew up in Philippines, both sexes were held accountable. The priests made sure to put the fear of God in everyone, and there was this sense that God was present, we were all held accountable, and the priest and parishioners were all just second fiddle to the presence and judgement of God Himself. We had freedom of will, but ultimately, we were responsible to God in the end.

    Now, religion is therapy. People come there for a quick pep talk to puff up their egos. The priests invite people from other religions because they think it's cute. (No joke, I once went to a Catholic Mass upstate NY where they had a Hindu Dancer dance her way up the altar.) The ministers talk of religion like a self-help program, and they make the parishioners feel good and feel like the center of attention. What they all forgot was that GOD is supposed to be the center of attention. But now, they just don't care. Is it any wonder why the atheists pick on us?

    And now these numbskulls pick in men and anything that seems too risqué for their care-Bears taste. They pick on anything that panders to men, while leaving James Bond and other figures women whack off to alone, and they try to censor cartoons, anime, and shows they think is too violent; "THINK OF THE CHILDREN! DEAR GOD THIS IS TOO VIOLENT!" It speaks volumes when the conservative Church I grew up with on the Philippines (and the Church I go to in my hometown, thank God) is less trigger-happy at banning and denouncing "violent" anime and video games than these Churchian types who rail against them to earn the respect of the feminists and the moral guardians and the other ban-happy idiots who try to snuff out the creative spark within humanity. They cast the pearls of God before the swine......and in the end, they reap what they emasculated congregation that grows weaker and smaller as the day goes.

    Godspeed, Bro!