Wednesday, December 12, 2012

Bechtloff Movie Night: Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull (2008)

This is a pretty reviled movie among the nerds and the fan boys and for the life of me I don't understand why. The story here is Indiana Jones is kidnapped by Natasha from Rocky and Bullwinkle and her gang of Russian bad guys and forced to find a crate in a big government warehouse. Yes that warehouse, the 'top men' warehouse. It seems Indy was called in during the Roswell incident to examine the wreckage and that's what they want him to find it in here. Anyways, they find the box with the alien stuff but Indy escapes thanks to a magic refrigerator and an atomic bomb test. Long story short we gotta find an alien skull before the Russians because if the Russians get it then they will use its awesome shiny humming powers to destroy America and our beloved free market.

Oh shit. Guess they didn't need an alien skull, just a few decades worth of incrementalism and patience. Anyways Indy saves the day, discovers the son he never knew he had, and reunites with the love of his life, that chick from Scrooged.

Was this a great movie? No, it's certainly not on par with Raiders or Last Crusade. But did you really ever think it was going to be? I'll admit the fridge thing was pretty stupid, and pissed me off a little when I saw it, but was really any more far fetched then when Indy used a life raft instead of a parachute? And then there's the alien issue. A lot of people say aliens have no business in an Indy flick. I kinda see that. I think Indy should be dealing with fantasy elements not sci fi. He should be uncovering ancient curses and powerful religious artifacts, not fucking space aliens. That said I was still willing to work with it. It was the end that got me. He put the skull back on the alien skeleton and then they all came back to life somehow. Why? Weren't they fucking dead? I mean they were skeletons. And they merged into one because they were a 'hive mind'?  And then they ripped a new asshole in the fabric of space and time and left. Do you have any idea what the fuck was going on at the end? Because I sure don't. Oh well, I guess it's for the best we don't know, since when the alien telepathically explained everything to the Russian chick it made her fucking eyeballs burst into flames.
I felt like that when I watched the Star Trek remake. Also one other thing that bugged me, why was Indiana Jones called in to examine the Roswell wreckage in the first place? You think maybe they would have called an engineer to try and examine the machinery of it and a biologist or a medial doctor to examine the body. Why the fuck would you assume the guy who finds magic artifacts would be qualified to examine alien biology or technology? Were they just like "Hey that guy deals in weird shit, let's ask him."?
All that being said, it's still a fun movie, because at the end of the day, it's still Indiana fucking Jones. And it's really no worse then Temple of Doom. Also I bet you we see a 5th Indy movie. Remember, Disney bought Lucasfilms recently, which includes not only Star Wars but also Indy. And Disney is the master of unnecessary sequels.

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