Monday, April 22, 2013

Hero Spotlight: Captain Planet.

Happy Earth Day. To mark this hippie holiday I thought I would take a look at the environmental crusader and mullet enthusiast Captain Planet.

When the Earth Goddess Gaia had her underground resting chambers disturbed by an evil company that was drilling for unobtainium or something, she created 5 magic rings and gave them to 5 different teenagers dubbed the Planeteers. They each had the powers of earth, fire, water, air, and heart. If you're wondering what heart does I'm not really sure other than it apparently allows you to have a pet monkey.

When the five Planeteers combine their powers they summon Captain Planet. Cap has a lot of poorly define powers. He seems to have all sorts of elemental powers, but if you spill a little motor oil on him he becomes completely useless. Also, I never really got what the hell Captain Planet really was. Was he a person? Gaia's boyfriend? Where was he when he wasn't summoned?

This show absolutely sucked a fat hairy dick. I never liked it, and I didn't know any kid that did. But it lasted forever and was on like every channel. Far as I can tell it was just because Ted Turner was bound and determined to shove it down the throat of every kid in America.

In a way Captain Planet was like the liberal secular equivalent of Bible Man. It wasn't really a character or even a show so much as it was propaganda of the most transparent kind. Captain Planet didn't entertain you, he lectured you, and who wants to be lectured by a mullet sporting douche?

1 comment:

  1. I remember watching that show it totally sucked. Sometimes I would watch it because nothing else was on. He is a really pointless hero to me.